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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Drama / Human Interest
- Subject: Comedy / Humor
- Published: 07/17/2014
Stumpknocker, Florida: Gatortail
Born 1950, M, from Clearwater/FL, United StatesI just got back from a trip to Stumpknocker, Florida, my favorite place in the whole wide world. By the way, Wanda Miller from Hannigan’s General Store really bent my ear this trip, so this story about Stumpknocker’s going to be a little long-winded. Bear with me.
As I was driving down Main Street there came the Crickley twins, Gayle and Taylor, laughing and running for all they were worth the opposite direction. Jimmy Don Reynolds was standing by the front door of Hanningan’s talking with Wanda Miller. He was fuming, then he pointed in the direction of those two kids and mumbled something, then turned back to Wanda and hollered some more. I swung into Hannigan’s to get a bottle of Grape Nehi and a strip of Wanda’s homemade beef jerky and asked her what all the fuss was about. She started snickering and said that the twins were always getting into mischief, and today was no exception. Seems that Jimmy Don parked the lawn spraying truck and went inside Hannigan’s to get some cheese crackers, a pack of light bulbs and a couple of quarts of oil. It didn’t look like rain, and folks in Stumpknocker are an honest bunch, so he left the windows open on the truck.
Now, Jimmy Don likes a chew every so often, and he always keeps a pouch of Red Man on the seat next to him. While he was busy inside Hannigan’s, the twins sneaked out to his truck, reached in the open window on the passenger’s side and grabbed his pouch of Red Man. They fiddled around with it, tossed it back on the seat then walked over to the corner of the store, just standing there, waiting for Jimmy Don to come out. Things worked out just like they were hoping; he put his stuff in the truck, slid behind the wheel, started the engine, then sat there for a moment like he was trying to make up his mind. Then he opened up the pouch of Red Man, pinched off a wad and stuffed it behind his cheek. It didn’t take much more than two seconds before he let out a holler and spit it all over the windshield and dashboard.
Jimmy Don might not have been any the wiser as to what happened, except that the twins started rolling on the ground laughing so hard they were red in the face. Knowing their reputation for getting into trouble, Jimmy Don was pretty quick to figure that they had something to do with it. He jumped out of the truck and took off after them, lickety-split. Now Jimmy Don’s in okay shape, but he wasn’t any match for a couple of twelve year olds. He came back to Hannigan’s and told Wanda he took a cheekful of Red Man and the next thing he knew is that his mouth was burning something awful. Evidently them twins had mixed in a good helping of red pepper in with his tobacco.
I asked Wanda what she figured Jimmy Don was going to do when she caught up with Gayle and Taylor. She said that probably nothing, since he had a pretty good sense of humor, so he’d just think of some joke to play on them. Then Wanda informed me that nobody in town ever calls them Gayle and Taylor.
“What do they call them then?”, I asked.
Wanda explained that the twins were always into mischief, and their mama, Alma Crickley, was always getting on them for it. It didn’t take her long to figure out that with the way they behaved, naming them “Gayle” and “Taylor” wasn’t a real good idea. She’d start hollering at them and, since their names were sorta’ similar, she’d get all tongue-tied and heaven only knew what was going to come out of her mouth. She might call them “Gaylor and Tayle” or “Tayglor” or some other such thing. Well, one morning at the breakfast table they were up to no good, throwing food at each other and making fart sounds with their armpits. Their daddy, Martin, was hiding behind his newspaper, but their mama had finally had enough. She got all red in the face, slapped her hand on the table and was going to yell, “Gayle and Taylor”, but she got all tongue-twisted again and this time it came out, “Gatortail”. Their daddy lowered his newspaper and stared; mama and the twins got real quiet,
All of a sudden everybody busted out laughing all at the same time. Daddy laughed so hard tears came to his eyes. When he tried to rub the tears out of his eyes the news ink that was on his hands from the paper came off on his face, so now he looked like a raccoon, and that made everybody laugh even harder. Mama laughed and laughed and laughed until she got hiccups, which sound like nothing you ever heard when she does them. Her’s sound kind of like, “huh-WEEEEEK-cup”, but really loud, kind of like sticking your head right next to the klaxon of a submarine that’s about ready to dive. Gayle laughed so hard she blew a milk bubble out her nose, and Taylor did one great big laugh and spit a big chunk of sausage across the kitchen so hard it knocked one of mama’s cooking spoons off its hook. The spoon clattered to the tile countertop and scared their mutt dog Gumball so bad he made a mess on the floor. Ever since then, whenever anybody at all wants to get the twins’ attention, they just yell, “Hey, Gatortail” and they both turn their heads.
Every once in awhile some of Gatortail’s mischief turns around and bites them in the fanny. One Halloween, the twin’s cousin Elmer was telling them scary stories. One of the stories he told them was about this creepy old lady who lived off Loop Road out in Big Cypress. He said folks called her “Mama Root” and she was near to a hundred and fifty years old and so ugly she could scare the spots off a hog. Elmer swore up and down that this wasn’t just a spooky story though - he told Gatortail that sure as God makes frogs, it was true. Gatortail just laughed and said that he was full of it, and that they were kids, they weren’t stupid. One thing lead to another and Elmer said he’d make a bet with Gatortail that Mama Root was real. If he won, they’d have to pull all of the weeds out of his vegetable garden; if they won, he’d have to put on their mama’s pink hat with the silk flowers that she wears to the Almighty Shoulders Baptist Church and walk the whole length of Main Street, up and back, on a Saturday afternoon. They all did a spit-shake on it, and decided to settle it by going out to where Elmer said the old lady’s place was and go trick-or-treating.
Come nightfall they all piled in Elmer’s old Chevy pickumup truck and headed out Tamiami and hit the Monroe Station end of Loop Road just as the sun sank down below the horizon. Lucky for them there was still a little bit of light so they could find the cow path that lead to her place; by the time they got there the only light to be had was half a moon. The sounds of gators croaking and bugs chittering and the glow of possum eyes in the moonlight make things even spookier. The three of them got out of the truck and headed toward the cypress walkway. Gayle was dressed like a pirate, because she was a tomboy and didn’t want to dress like a ballerina or a princess; Taylor had a sheet over him with eye holes cut in it so he could be a ghost, and Elmer had a charcoaled face and raggedy clothes and he looked like a hobo.
In the dark they couldn’t see much of what the place looked like, but they could see a dim light coming from inside. Gayle pounded on the screen door and yelled, “Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!”. She heard this squeaky voice holler back, “Hold yer horses, be right there!”, and they waited...
...and they waited...
...and they waited...
...and after a minute or so somebody with a walking stick shuffled over to the door. The person struck a match and lit it to the kerosene lantern that hanging on a nail by the door. When Elmer and Gatortail saw the old woman’s face...
...they just bust out laughin’.
Gayle spoke first. “Wow, that’s a really good mask you got there! Where’d you get it?”
The old woman just looked at them, appearing a trifle confused. “Where’d I get it? Whatever do ya’ mean, child?” She turned up the wick on the lantern to get a better look at the visitors. “Lordy - pirates an’ haunt’s an’ hobos comin’ ta’ visit at this hour - I ‘spect it must be Hal’ween!”
The lantern lit up the old lady’s face now, and Gator and cousin Elmer figured out that it wasn’t a mask they were seeing. Taylor had a rope of strawberry licorice in his mouth; when he saw Mama Root’s face he sucked the licorice near down his throat, causing the loose end to whip around and smack him in the forehead. Gayle was just about to stick a piece of chocolate bar in her mouth, but when she saw the old lady she got all dumbfuzzled and poked herself right in the eye with it. Elmer didn’t do much more than stand rooted on the spot and let out a girly scream.
Mama Root just smiled and apologized. “So sorry children, I don’t generally get no visitors come Hal’ween. Reckon I’m a mite outta’ the way for most ta’ come here. ‘Fraid I got no treats for ya’.”
That was fine with Gatortail and cousin Elmer. They mumbled something about it having plenty of candy anyway, then turned tail and ran back the truck. Once they got back there though, Gayle had time to think about it,and let everybody know that she wasn’t real happy with what just happened. “Hey, I don’t care how scary that old lady is, she didn’t give us no treat, so we get to give her a trick! Where’s that stuff we brought with us?”
Gayle reached into the back seat and grabbed a carton of eggs and two rolls of toilet paper and a handful of stinky smoke bombs they brought in case somebody needed to be tricked.
“I’m going back there - you fella’s coming with?” she asked.
Taylor and Elmer weren’t real happy about it, but they decided they’d come along too, mostly because they didn’t want to be shown up by a girl. Elmer took the rolls of TP, Taylor stuffed the smoke bombs in his jeans pockets and Gayle took the eggs. They snuck back over to Mama Root’s place, staying on the ground instead of going up on the walkway. She was still outside, swaying back and forth in a straight backed oak rocking chair and smoking her pipe. Gatortail and their cousin got to within twenty foot or so of the house, then Gayle hollered, “trick or treat!” and heaved one of the eggs she was carrying. The egg sailed through the air but was stopped by the branch of a cypress tree right next to the house. That branch caught the egg, bent back, and just flipped the egg right back at Gayle and caught her right between the eyes. Mama Root just sat there, rocking and grinning like a possum. Gayle heaved another egg, this one aimed right at the old lady. Before it could hit her she just raised up her walking stick; the egg just flew back away from her and straight up into the air. Gayle couldn’t figure out what happened to it, until a few seconds later when it fell from the sky and cracked right on top of her head.
Taylor and cousin Elmer thought was just the funniest thing ever. Elmer pitched for the Stumpknocker Sandspurs slow pitch softball team and had a pretty decent right arm. He pulled back and let fly with one of the TP rolls, aiming for the rooster wind vane. Elmer hoped to wrap it around there a few times and drape it all down the side the house, but that ain’t how it worked out. About midway to the roof a gust of wind caught the roll and threw it up into the air, unraveling all the way. The wind let up and down drifted the TP until it laid all wadded up around Elmer’s feet. The wind kicked up again, this time making a dust devil that wrapped the TP all around Elmer until he looked like a mummy.
All this time Taylor was trying to light a smoke bomb he had in his hand, but the wind was blowing out one kitchen match after another. The last match looked like it maybe lit the fuse; it glowed a bit then fizzled out. Taylor brought the smoke bomb up to his face to get a better look at the fuse and, sure enough, it picked that time to catch, blowing rotten egg smelling smoke right into his face. Just a few seconds after that the other half dozen in his pockets all blew too and he had smoke pouring out of his pockets and was pounding at his britches trying to put them all out. By the time they were all done smoking Taylor smelled like the north end of a southbound skunk.
That was enough for the three of them. They high-tailed it back to Elmer’s truck and about tore out the suspension racing back down that cow path, while Mama Root sat there on her porch laughing herself silly.
From that point on Gatortail pretty much believed anything Elmer told them. They also didn’t play quite so many jokes on people and they never went back to Mama Root’s place ever again.
So that’s how it happened with the Gatortail twins in Stumpknocker, Florida, a place where you can still see the stars at night.
Stumpknocker, Florida: Gatortail(Phil Penne)
I just got back from a trip to Stumpknocker, Florida, my favorite place in the whole wide world. By the way, Wanda Miller from Hannigan’s General Store really bent my ear this trip, so this story about Stumpknocker’s going to be a little long-winded. Bear with me.
As I was driving down Main Street there came the Crickley twins, Gayle and Taylor, laughing and running for all they were worth the opposite direction. Jimmy Don Reynolds was standing by the front door of Hanningan’s talking with Wanda Miller. He was fuming, then he pointed in the direction of those two kids and mumbled something, then turned back to Wanda and hollered some more. I swung into Hannigan’s to get a bottle of Grape Nehi and a strip of Wanda’s homemade beef jerky and asked her what all the fuss was about. She started snickering and said that the twins were always getting into mischief, and today was no exception. Seems that Jimmy Don parked the lawn spraying truck and went inside Hannigan’s to get some cheese crackers, a pack of light bulbs and a couple of quarts of oil. It didn’t look like rain, and folks in Stumpknocker are an honest bunch, so he left the windows open on the truck.
Now, Jimmy Don likes a chew every so often, and he always keeps a pouch of Red Man on the seat next to him. While he was busy inside Hannigan’s, the twins sneaked out to his truck, reached in the open window on the passenger’s side and grabbed his pouch of Red Man. They fiddled around with it, tossed it back on the seat then walked over to the corner of the store, just standing there, waiting for Jimmy Don to come out. Things worked out just like they were hoping; he put his stuff in the truck, slid behind the wheel, started the engine, then sat there for a moment like he was trying to make up his mind. Then he opened up the pouch of Red Man, pinched off a wad and stuffed it behind his cheek. It didn’t take much more than two seconds before he let out a holler and spit it all over the windshield and dashboard.
Jimmy Don might not have been any the wiser as to what happened, except that the twins started rolling on the ground laughing so hard they were red in the face. Knowing their reputation for getting into trouble, Jimmy Don was pretty quick to figure that they had something to do with it. He jumped out of the truck and took off after them, lickety-split. Now Jimmy Don’s in okay shape, but he wasn’t any match for a couple of twelve year olds. He came back to Hannigan’s and told Wanda he took a cheekful of Red Man and the next thing he knew is that his mouth was burning something awful. Evidently them twins had mixed in a good helping of red pepper in with his tobacco.
I asked Wanda what she figured Jimmy Don was going to do when she caught up with Gayle and Taylor. She said that probably nothing, since he had a pretty good sense of humor, so he’d just think of some joke to play on them. Then Wanda informed me that nobody in town ever calls them Gayle and Taylor.
“What do they call them then?”, I asked.
Wanda explained that the twins were always into mischief, and their mama, Alma Crickley, was always getting on them for it. It didn’t take her long to figure out that with the way they behaved, naming them “Gayle” and “Taylor” wasn’t a real good idea. She’d start hollering at them and, since their names were sorta’ similar, she’d get all tongue-tied and heaven only knew what was going to come out of her mouth. She might call them “Gaylor and Tayle” or “Tayglor” or some other such thing. Well, one morning at the breakfast table they were up to no good, throwing food at each other and making fart sounds with their armpits. Their daddy, Martin, was hiding behind his newspaper, but their mama had finally had enough. She got all red in the face, slapped her hand on the table and was going to yell, “Gayle and Taylor”, but she got all tongue-twisted again and this time it came out, “Gatortail”. Their daddy lowered his newspaper and stared; mama and the twins got real quiet,
All of a sudden everybody busted out laughing all at the same time. Daddy laughed so hard tears came to his eyes. When he tried to rub the tears out of his eyes the news ink that was on his hands from the paper came off on his face, so now he looked like a raccoon, and that made everybody laugh even harder. Mama laughed and laughed and laughed until she got hiccups, which sound like nothing you ever heard when she does them. Her’s sound kind of like, “huh-WEEEEEK-cup”, but really loud, kind of like sticking your head right next to the klaxon of a submarine that’s about ready to dive. Gayle laughed so hard she blew a milk bubble out her nose, and Taylor did one great big laugh and spit a big chunk of sausage across the kitchen so hard it knocked one of mama’s cooking spoons off its hook. The spoon clattered to the tile countertop and scared their mutt dog Gumball so bad he made a mess on the floor. Ever since then, whenever anybody at all wants to get the twins’ attention, they just yell, “Hey, Gatortail” and they both turn their heads.
Every once in awhile some of Gatortail’s mischief turns around and bites them in the fanny. One Halloween, the twin’s cousin Elmer was telling them scary stories. One of the stories he told them was about this creepy old lady who lived off Loop Road out in Big Cypress. He said folks called her “Mama Root” and she was near to a hundred and fifty years old and so ugly she could scare the spots off a hog. Elmer swore up and down that this wasn’t just a spooky story though - he told Gatortail that sure as God makes frogs, it was true. Gatortail just laughed and said that he was full of it, and that they were kids, they weren’t stupid. One thing lead to another and Elmer said he’d make a bet with Gatortail that Mama Root was real. If he won, they’d have to pull all of the weeds out of his vegetable garden; if they won, he’d have to put on their mama’s pink hat with the silk flowers that she wears to the Almighty Shoulders Baptist Church and walk the whole length of Main Street, up and back, on a Saturday afternoon. They all did a spit-shake on it, and decided to settle it by going out to where Elmer said the old lady’s place was and go trick-or-treating.
Come nightfall they all piled in Elmer’s old Chevy pickumup truck and headed out Tamiami and hit the Monroe Station end of Loop Road just as the sun sank down below the horizon. Lucky for them there was still a little bit of light so they could find the cow path that lead to her place; by the time they got there the only light to be had was half a moon. The sounds of gators croaking and bugs chittering and the glow of possum eyes in the moonlight make things even spookier. The three of them got out of the truck and headed toward the cypress walkway. Gayle was dressed like a pirate, because she was a tomboy and didn’t want to dress like a ballerina or a princess; Taylor had a sheet over him with eye holes cut in it so he could be a ghost, and Elmer had a charcoaled face and raggedy clothes and he looked like a hobo.
In the dark they couldn’t see much of what the place looked like, but they could see a dim light coming from inside. Gayle pounded on the screen door and yelled, “Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!”. She heard this squeaky voice holler back, “Hold yer horses, be right there!”, and they waited...
...and they waited...
...and they waited...
...and after a minute or so somebody with a walking stick shuffled over to the door. The person struck a match and lit it to the kerosene lantern that hanging on a nail by the door. When Elmer and Gatortail saw the old woman’s face...
...they just bust out laughin’.
Gayle spoke first. “Wow, that’s a really good mask you got there! Where’d you get it?”
The old woman just looked at them, appearing a trifle confused. “Where’d I get it? Whatever do ya’ mean, child?” She turned up the wick on the lantern to get a better look at the visitors. “Lordy - pirates an’ haunt’s an’ hobos comin’ ta’ visit at this hour - I ‘spect it must be Hal’ween!”
The lantern lit up the old lady’s face now, and Gator and cousin Elmer figured out that it wasn’t a mask they were seeing. Taylor had a rope of strawberry licorice in his mouth; when he saw Mama Root’s face he sucked the licorice near down his throat, causing the loose end to whip around and smack him in the forehead. Gayle was just about to stick a piece of chocolate bar in her mouth, but when she saw the old lady she got all dumbfuzzled and poked herself right in the eye with it. Elmer didn’t do much more than stand rooted on the spot and let out a girly scream.
Mama Root just smiled and apologized. “So sorry children, I don’t generally get no visitors come Hal’ween. Reckon I’m a mite outta’ the way for most ta’ come here. ‘Fraid I got no treats for ya’.”
That was fine with Gatortail and cousin Elmer. They mumbled something about it having plenty of candy anyway, then turned tail and ran back the truck. Once they got back there though, Gayle had time to think about it,and let everybody know that she wasn’t real happy with what just happened. “Hey, I don’t care how scary that old lady is, she didn’t give us no treat, so we get to give her a trick! Where’s that stuff we brought with us?”
Gayle reached into the back seat and grabbed a carton of eggs and two rolls of toilet paper and a handful of stinky smoke bombs they brought in case somebody needed to be tricked.
“I’m going back there - you fella’s coming with?” she asked.
Taylor and Elmer weren’t real happy about it, but they decided they’d come along too, mostly because they didn’t want to be shown up by a girl. Elmer took the rolls of TP, Taylor stuffed the smoke bombs in his jeans pockets and Gayle took the eggs. They snuck back over to Mama Root’s place, staying on the ground instead of going up on the walkway. She was still outside, swaying back and forth in a straight backed oak rocking chair and smoking her pipe. Gatortail and their cousin got to within twenty foot or so of the house, then Gayle hollered, “trick or treat!” and heaved one of the eggs she was carrying. The egg sailed through the air but was stopped by the branch of a cypress tree right next to the house. That branch caught the egg, bent back, and just flipped the egg right back at Gayle and caught her right between the eyes. Mama Root just sat there, rocking and grinning like a possum. Gayle heaved another egg, this one aimed right at the old lady. Before it could hit her she just raised up her walking stick; the egg just flew back away from her and straight up into the air. Gayle couldn’t figure out what happened to it, until a few seconds later when it fell from the sky and cracked right on top of her head.
Taylor and cousin Elmer thought was just the funniest thing ever. Elmer pitched for the Stumpknocker Sandspurs slow pitch softball team and had a pretty decent right arm. He pulled back and let fly with one of the TP rolls, aiming for the rooster wind vane. Elmer hoped to wrap it around there a few times and drape it all down the side the house, but that ain’t how it worked out. About midway to the roof a gust of wind caught the roll and threw it up into the air, unraveling all the way. The wind let up and down drifted the TP until it laid all wadded up around Elmer’s feet. The wind kicked up again, this time making a dust devil that wrapped the TP all around Elmer until he looked like a mummy.
All this time Taylor was trying to light a smoke bomb he had in his hand, but the wind was blowing out one kitchen match after another. The last match looked like it maybe lit the fuse; it glowed a bit then fizzled out. Taylor brought the smoke bomb up to his face to get a better look at the fuse and, sure enough, it picked that time to catch, blowing rotten egg smelling smoke right into his face. Just a few seconds after that the other half dozen in his pockets all blew too and he had smoke pouring out of his pockets and was pounding at his britches trying to put them all out. By the time they were all done smoking Taylor smelled like the north end of a southbound skunk.
That was enough for the three of them. They high-tailed it back to Elmer’s truck and about tore out the suspension racing back down that cow path, while Mama Root sat there on her porch laughing herself silly.
From that point on Gatortail pretty much believed anything Elmer told them. They also didn’t play quite so many jokes on people and they never went back to Mama Root’s place ever again.
So that’s how it happened with the Gatortail twins in Stumpknocker, Florida, a place where you can still see the stars at night.
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