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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Drama / Human Interest
- Subject: Comedy / Humor
- Published: 08/21/2022
Antique Shopping
Born 1947, M, from Germantown/Ohio, United StatesThe word came down from HQ ….. antique shopping. Just being an employee in the family I was obligated to provide my support to her with no discussion. Supporting her for antique shopping was a tricky, dangerous, and expensive business. It sometimes came down to a kind of “marriage roulette.” You just placed your bet on a random result and prayed during the spin. Hopefully, it landed on either “thanks honey” or “I agree.” All other results were troublesome.
I was assigned to “transportation and financial services” ….. easy enough to understand ….. drive and pay. Although bothersome and expensive it paled in complexity and risk of the “other duties as may be required” that came with any HQ tasking.
So, we were driving in the van to our first of, I was not told how many, destinations. I saw her glance at the fuel gauge with an indifferent look and ask, “you think we are OK with three-quarters of a tank?.” Like I should know, right, with no insights on where we were going. I spun the “marriage roulette wheel” and it came up “I think we’re fine.” I clutched the wheel tightly in anticipation of her answer and relaxed upon her reply of “OK.”
As my anxiousness arose, destination one was upon us ….. the “Our Crap is Old and Expensive Antique House” ….. at least that’s what I thought the sign said. Of course the mystery of what we might be looking for was “classified” and I did not have proper clearances to obtain the information. Yet ….. I was expected to be fully aware to assess any and all possible candidates for selection with extensive, detailed answers.
As I entered the “House” my sensory input mechanism was immediately overloaded. There were 4,000 trinkets of all sizes, types, colors, shapes, and descriptions crammed into the small space of room one. ….. room one of twelve. …..A total paralyzing sensory experience. I was looking at all of them ….. but saw none of them. I even thought I saw an all-purpose, multi celebration character that looked like Santa, an Easter Bunny, a pumpkin, and George Washington ….. probably just a part of my sensory overload.
The woman store owner, who looked exactly like you thought she would look, asked if she could help me. Wow ….. what a power packed question. I reduced the scope of my answer to her probable intent with the response of “just looking.” But, of course, I was still in sensory overload.
Then it happened, one of the many terrifying moments I was to experience. HQ walked up to me with something, something I could not identify as to type, utility, purpose, or genre and asked the terrifying question “what do you think?” I had a well-practiced set of answers designed to survive this experience.
My answers always engaged us in something like a “negotiating session.” I responded, even though I had no clue of the intent of the exercise, “I think it has possibilities.” To which she would usually respond “it might be too big, huh” to which I responded, “it depends on where you put it.” This process would usually go on for a handful or more her questions and my intentionally vague answers until she, quite unknowingly and finally….. made a decision, although she was quite unaware of the term or its meaning.
I had looked up the definition of “decision” in Webster’s Dictionary ….. Women’s Edition ….. It read:
Decision – OBSOLETE DEFINITION: “A term once use to express firmly committing to an action, activity, or product.”
Decision – PRESENT DEFINITION: “I really, really like it, but might change my mind once it is placed in the car, van, or suddenly rented U-Haul.”
Then we went to the cash register, usually now a laptop. There were two other ladies at the counter, along with the easily identified owner ….. and then it began. An exchange of detailed status reports between them on every family member which I am sure were partially truthful. It seemed like hours. I had no idea there was a college in Sedalia, Missouri. Occasionally I attempted, in vain, to interject a comment or suggestion ….. to no avail. Meanwhile the unidentified item she so-called “decided upon” was growing quite heavy. Just in a nick of time before it fell, the conversation ended and I placed, whatever it was, on the counter.
Then began the payment process. As we seemed to close out the bill ….. suddenly additional items appeared on the counter. These I always identified as the “HQ prerogative items” (HQPI). No questions were to be asked about these. It was proper protocol to compliment her on the items, but questions were not tolerated and were treated more as me requesting a future lifetime of celibacy.
One of the HQPIs was a 1787 Corner Cabinet. It was faded, somewhat chipped and the drawers were difficult to open and closed unevenly. “Don’t you love it?” was her terrifying comment. Selecting survival over extinction, and sweating a bit from the forehead, I squeaked out an answer of “beautiful.” The price tag read $2,850.
Of course we lived in a circular house where a corner cabinet would feel like an abused foster child.
Having paid for the all the unanticipated, unidentifiable, accumulated items by reaching my limit on card one and engaging card two, it was then obligatory to move them to our vehicle, the van. I looked around for assistance.
The owner’s husband was sitting in a worn lawn chair in the corner. He looked exactly like you thought he would look. Somehow raising up from his chair with the use of his cane …. I could see where this was going. He brought out a dolly ….. likely a WWII issue, rusted, squeaky-wheeled tool on its last legs.
As everyone watched and moved outside, I managed to load and transport the corner cabinet by myself on its squeaky journey to the van and somehow load it. The owner watched with a wry smile while munching on an apple.
Then came from HQ: “Don’t forget the other stuff ….. and be careful!” Having fully resigned to my destiny and fate, I meekly responded “Sure” and completed my “other duties as may be required” ….. that I feared so.
So, having completed our store one experience we were to advance to mystery location two.
HQ had once driven by herself from Lancaster, Pennsylvania to Trenton, New Jersey and somehow encountered a “Welcome to Connecticut” sign. So her directions were not always dependable.
She could not remember the name or location of mystery location two ….. but told me to drive there. “You know, that one off of Washington Ave. ….. I think” was her detailed instruction.
So, in fear I drove, and drove listening to many retorts of “no not there, go the other way.” Eventually we consumed a lot of gas ….. three-quarters of a tank to be exact... and came to a dead stop.
Exiting the car, I started walking to a gas station we had recently passed while listening to gently fading screams from HQ of “I thought you said we had enough gas!” ….. I thought you said we had enough gas! I thought……….
HQ’s plan for next week was to shop for new artwork. Rectangular pictures to hang on our circular walls in our circular house with our abused corner cabinet.
But this week was this week and ….. antique shopping.
Antique Shopping(Tom Keltner)
The word came down from HQ ….. antique shopping. Just being an employee in the family I was obligated to provide my support to her with no discussion. Supporting her for antique shopping was a tricky, dangerous, and expensive business. It sometimes came down to a kind of “marriage roulette.” You just placed your bet on a random result and prayed during the spin. Hopefully, it landed on either “thanks honey” or “I agree.” All other results were troublesome.
I was assigned to “transportation and financial services” ….. easy enough to understand ….. drive and pay. Although bothersome and expensive it paled in complexity and risk of the “other duties as may be required” that came with any HQ tasking.
So, we were driving in the van to our first of, I was not told how many, destinations. I saw her glance at the fuel gauge with an indifferent look and ask, “you think we are OK with three-quarters of a tank?.” Like I should know, right, with no insights on where we were going. I spun the “marriage roulette wheel” and it came up “I think we’re fine.” I clutched the wheel tightly in anticipation of her answer and relaxed upon her reply of “OK.”
As my anxiousness arose, destination one was upon us ….. the “Our Crap is Old and Expensive Antique House” ….. at least that’s what I thought the sign said. Of course the mystery of what we might be looking for was “classified” and I did not have proper clearances to obtain the information. Yet ….. I was expected to be fully aware to assess any and all possible candidates for selection with extensive, detailed answers.
As I entered the “House” my sensory input mechanism was immediately overloaded. There were 4,000 trinkets of all sizes, types, colors, shapes, and descriptions crammed into the small space of room one. ….. room one of twelve. …..A total paralyzing sensory experience. I was looking at all of them ….. but saw none of them. I even thought I saw an all-purpose, multi celebration character that looked like Santa, an Easter Bunny, a pumpkin, and George Washington ….. probably just a part of my sensory overload.
The woman store owner, who looked exactly like you thought she would look, asked if she could help me. Wow ….. what a power packed question. I reduced the scope of my answer to her probable intent with the response of “just looking.” But, of course, I was still in sensory overload.
Then it happened, one of the many terrifying moments I was to experience. HQ walked up to me with something, something I could not identify as to type, utility, purpose, or genre and asked the terrifying question “what do you think?” I had a well-practiced set of answers designed to survive this experience.
My answers always engaged us in something like a “negotiating session.” I responded, even though I had no clue of the intent of the exercise, “I think it has possibilities.” To which she would usually respond “it might be too big, huh” to which I responded, “it depends on where you put it.” This process would usually go on for a handful or more her questions and my intentionally vague answers until she, quite unknowingly and finally….. made a decision, although she was quite unaware of the term or its meaning.
I had looked up the definition of “decision” in Webster’s Dictionary ….. Women’s Edition ….. It read:
Decision – OBSOLETE DEFINITION: “A term once use to express firmly committing to an action, activity, or product.”
Decision – PRESENT DEFINITION: “I really, really like it, but might change my mind once it is placed in the car, van, or suddenly rented U-Haul.”
Then we went to the cash register, usually now a laptop. There were two other ladies at the counter, along with the easily identified owner ….. and then it began. An exchange of detailed status reports between them on every family member which I am sure were partially truthful. It seemed like hours. I had no idea there was a college in Sedalia, Missouri. Occasionally I attempted, in vain, to interject a comment or suggestion ….. to no avail. Meanwhile the unidentified item she so-called “decided upon” was growing quite heavy. Just in a nick of time before it fell, the conversation ended and I placed, whatever it was, on the counter.
Then began the payment process. As we seemed to close out the bill ….. suddenly additional items appeared on the counter. These I always identified as the “HQ prerogative items” (HQPI). No questions were to be asked about these. It was proper protocol to compliment her on the items, but questions were not tolerated and were treated more as me requesting a future lifetime of celibacy.
One of the HQPIs was a 1787 Corner Cabinet. It was faded, somewhat chipped and the drawers were difficult to open and closed unevenly. “Don’t you love it?” was her terrifying comment. Selecting survival over extinction, and sweating a bit from the forehead, I squeaked out an answer of “beautiful.” The price tag read $2,850.
Of course we lived in a circular house where a corner cabinet would feel like an abused foster child.
Having paid for the all the unanticipated, unidentifiable, accumulated items by reaching my limit on card one and engaging card two, it was then obligatory to move them to our vehicle, the van. I looked around for assistance.
The owner’s husband was sitting in a worn lawn chair in the corner. He looked exactly like you thought he would look. Somehow raising up from his chair with the use of his cane …. I could see where this was going. He brought out a dolly ….. likely a WWII issue, rusted, squeaky-wheeled tool on its last legs.
As everyone watched and moved outside, I managed to load and transport the corner cabinet by myself on its squeaky journey to the van and somehow load it. The owner watched with a wry smile while munching on an apple.
Then came from HQ: “Don’t forget the other stuff ….. and be careful!” Having fully resigned to my destiny and fate, I meekly responded “Sure” and completed my “other duties as may be required” ….. that I feared so.
So, having completed our store one experience we were to advance to mystery location two.
HQ had once driven by herself from Lancaster, Pennsylvania to Trenton, New Jersey and somehow encountered a “Welcome to Connecticut” sign. So her directions were not always dependable.
She could not remember the name or location of mystery location two ….. but told me to drive there. “You know, that one off of Washington Ave. ….. I think” was her detailed instruction.
So, in fear I drove, and drove listening to many retorts of “no not there, go the other way.” Eventually we consumed a lot of gas ….. three-quarters of a tank to be exact... and came to a dead stop.
Exiting the car, I started walking to a gas station we had recently passed while listening to gently fading screams from HQ of “I thought you said we had enough gas!” ….. I thought you said we had enough gas! I thought……….
HQ’s plan for next week was to shop for new artwork. Rectangular pictures to hang on our circular walls in our circular house with our abused corner cabinet.
But this week was this week and ….. antique shopping.
- Share this story on
- 5
Valerie Allen
09/18/2022I'm still laughing! I think many people find themseles in similar situations. The key is how we deal with it. Well done ~
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/18/2022Thank you very much Valerie. I wrote this after antique shopping with my wife. Perhaps I exaggerated a bit. :-)
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Gerald R Gioglio
09/15/2022Hmm, I think your remarkable adventure will resonate across the StoryStar community. Very funny. Happy StoryStar week.
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
JD
09/11/2022that was hilarious and thoroughly entertaining! thanks for the fun, Tom. happy short story STAR of the week! :-)
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
JD
09/15/2022no worries, tom. story is already 'pinned' in several categories, but some are listed as 'future'. the pin list doesn't work as well as it should though, and when one is removed it should automatically be replaced by the next one in line, but it isn't. the slot is still held as though the story is still pinned, and doesn't open up till the empty spot time frame is done. this is why there are currently two empty pin spots on the main 'read stories' page, because two removed stories are still on the schedule so their spots won't fill with a story waiting in the queue until the time they were supposed to run is over.... so your drapes story will appear when other 'future' scheduled stories, including yours, have finished their time. hope this clears up any confusion about it....
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/15/2022JD,
I remain a "rookie" finding my way with the occasional strange observation and question, asking for patience. :-)
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Lillian Kazmierczak
09/11/2022I am literally crying, I am laughing so hard. My husband must feel like this every time we go "treasure hunting." A great point of view from the husband side of antiquing!
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Lillian Kazmierczak
09/12/2022I am still laughing about this story. Congratulations on short story star of the week!
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/12/2022Thanks very much Lillian ..... and no offense intended to "the other side of the aisle" ..... just comedy. :-)
COMMENTS (6)