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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Survival / Success
- Subject: Courage / Heroism
- Published: 08/04/2022
The Longest Night
Born 1947, M, from Germantown/Ohio, United StatesIt was six o’clock in the evening and I had just arrived for my first night in the apartment.
Living alone ….. I had never done it before, and this was the first day. But here I was, age 54, recently divorced from my wife of 30 years. The silence in my new apartment was terrifying. No sounds of children, teen agers, visiting friends, my wife, her friends, her phone conversations. Nobody telling me what to do, nobody asking me questions. There was no radio playing, no television noise ….. just silence ….. uncomfortable silence.
I just sat in my apartment and wondered how I got here and not feeling good about it. Why did my wife choose to have an affair after 25 years of marriage? Was I that meaningless? Our kids were split. My daughter thought I let my wife and the family down and drove her away with my work schedule. She was not speaking with me. My son was miles away in San Francisco, very busy and not communicating although sympathetic to my situation.
So, what do I do now? I was getting hungry, but I had no groceries yet and decided to go out to dinner. Dining by myself was a new experience. The restaurant was crowded, noisy, and full of energy. But I did not seem a part of that energy. I was just as lonely in the restaurant as sitting in my apartment, not recognizing, or interacting with really anyone but the waitress. She asked if others were coming ….. once again reminding me of my situation. The experience in the restaurant reminded me of walking down the street in New York City. Many people, lots of noise, but sheer, unrecoverable loneliness.
So, after dinner it was 7:30. It seemed more like 4:00 in the afternoon. How was I to fill my time? I had no frame of reference. No wife, family, or neighbors to talk with. No movie to enjoy or laugh with together with my wife or family. There was the usual community meeting I was to attend tonight, but associations like that were all on hold since the divorce.
Am I about to experience why so many people seem to go to bars? Being married from age twenty-four I had little experience with bars or how to manage myself. Being a financial analyst I leaned more towards an introverted life and bars were of little interest. But I decided to give it a try to desperately fill the time. As I entered it felt just like the restaurant. Lots of noise, laughter, loud voices, and what looked like happiness. But was it happiness or just loud desperation from those seeking relief from their own loneliness? After what seemed to be a few very shallow, meaningless, unenlightening conversations my loneliness seemed unaffected and my disorientation to what was happening in the bar was just too much.
About 9:00 I went back to my apartment. I actually hesitated as I opened the door. The anticipation of being there by myself felt foreign and frightening. It seemed like an eternity until morning and there was no frame of reference for what to do and how to manage it. Yet, I entered into the darkness and silence.
But there was hope since my favorite TV show came on at 9:00. Great, that would get me to 10:00. So, feeling great I turned on the TV. As I was watching my favorite show it still felt unusual and sad. There was no one there to laugh with me, cry with me or react together and share the experience. The show was the same, but my enjoyment of it suffered and I was disappointed.
At least now it was 10:00 and the night, the long night was moving on. So I decided to go to bed and speed things up by sleeping through the last hours. As I tried to sleep it was strange. There were unusual sounds, unfamiliar sounds. Unfamiliar sounds from the street, sounds from other apartments filled my head. So I stayed awake. As I stayed awake my mind began to think. Understandably my thoughts were about my wife and family and my situation. The newness of my situation made it hard to think clearly. I did not want to think about it, but it seemed to grab ahold of me and not let go.
In the past when my mind ran wild I could talk about it with my wife or even the kids and things would tame down. Their reactions usually brought me back on track before my mind got out of hand. But without those influences my mind just took off, unrestricted, unbounded and my thoughts exploded to the negative. I could not take the level of anxiety and almost jumped out of bed and headed for the kitchen for a glass of water. Thinking it was about 3:00 am I looked at the clock and it was only 1:00 am. My long, long night seemed never ending.
So, I took a walk outside. I tried to distract my mind by looking at buildings, cars, street signs, trees, and anything I could find. I could not believe the situation I was in and could never have anticipated it. Fearing a return to the empty, sterile, almost frightening apartment, I continued to walk and look and take my mind off of my apartment and my situation.
And as I continued to walk I started to remember some things, some positive things. Some things I could think about. My son, although hard to reach respected me and he thought the situation was due to my wife’s infidelity and had nothing to do my work schedule, which he thought was just my wife’s excuse. That was something my mind could work with. There was also my close friend Scott whose long conversation with me supported my position and was highly critical of my wife.
Yet still those things provided very short relief from the feelings I was having about the long-term prospects of living alone in my apartment. It still remained difficult to see the end of the tunnel for my situation. My anxiety remained high as I continued to walk, and walk, and walk.
Surely it was 5:00 am by now. But I looked at my watch and it was only 3:45. Then my mind wandered into thinking about adversity and the many stories of people who had conquered much more difficult situations than mine, suffered much more adversity than mine, sacrificed much more than I. Look at all the veterans from Viet Nam, Iraq, and Afghanistan. Many need to learn how to live with missing limbs, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, losing their families. Yet, some do it and they stay positive about their lives and their direction. The families that have tragically unexpectedly lost their children and the shock and long-term trauma they experience. But some make it through. How did they accomplish what they did and overcome their situation and stay positive? Was my task much easier than what they overcame? I really do think so. I with all my limbs, having not lost my children, and in much better shape than countless people in the world would have no excuse and would need to move forward with courage and commitment.
My good friend Scott had overcome alcohol abuse and has been clean for 15 years. He had lost his wife and family. He went into depression and negativity. But where was he now? Scott seemed to be in a comfortable place for himself. He had adjusted to a new life and was happy. He said it took time ….. years. He shared his AA experiences about thinking short term, one day at a time, and not trying to control things, and a key AA quote he shared with me:
“When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.”
It was on me to find the answer and begin living it. It was on me to recognize this takes time, overcoming challenges, and requires patience and maintaining hope.
I finished my walk and was back at the apartment. I opened the door without negative thought and went inside. It was 6:30 am, the sun began to rise, as did my hopes. But my hopes were realistic, recognizing challenges to conquer though time and the strength necessary to overcome those challenges and always knowing there were people more disadvantaged than me succeeding.
The night began as a night of fear and apprehension, the worst night of my life. It turned to a night of realistic hope and recognition of my responsibilities and actions necessary for the future.
But, in all my life this experience was the most challenging and this night, among all my nights was ….. the longest night.
The Longest Night(Tom Keltner)
It was six o’clock in the evening and I had just arrived for my first night in the apartment.
Living alone ….. I had never done it before, and this was the first day. But here I was, age 54, recently divorced from my wife of 30 years. The silence in my new apartment was terrifying. No sounds of children, teen agers, visiting friends, my wife, her friends, her phone conversations. Nobody telling me what to do, nobody asking me questions. There was no radio playing, no television noise ….. just silence ….. uncomfortable silence.
I just sat in my apartment and wondered how I got here and not feeling good about it. Why did my wife choose to have an affair after 25 years of marriage? Was I that meaningless? Our kids were split. My daughter thought I let my wife and the family down and drove her away with my work schedule. She was not speaking with me. My son was miles away in San Francisco, very busy and not communicating although sympathetic to my situation.
So, what do I do now? I was getting hungry, but I had no groceries yet and decided to go out to dinner. Dining by myself was a new experience. The restaurant was crowded, noisy, and full of energy. But I did not seem a part of that energy. I was just as lonely in the restaurant as sitting in my apartment, not recognizing, or interacting with really anyone but the waitress. She asked if others were coming ….. once again reminding me of my situation. The experience in the restaurant reminded me of walking down the street in New York City. Many people, lots of noise, but sheer, unrecoverable loneliness.
So, after dinner it was 7:30. It seemed more like 4:00 in the afternoon. How was I to fill my time? I had no frame of reference. No wife, family, or neighbors to talk with. No movie to enjoy or laugh with together with my wife or family. There was the usual community meeting I was to attend tonight, but associations like that were all on hold since the divorce.
Am I about to experience why so many people seem to go to bars? Being married from age twenty-four I had little experience with bars or how to manage myself. Being a financial analyst I leaned more towards an introverted life and bars were of little interest. But I decided to give it a try to desperately fill the time. As I entered it felt just like the restaurant. Lots of noise, laughter, loud voices, and what looked like happiness. But was it happiness or just loud desperation from those seeking relief from their own loneliness? After what seemed to be a few very shallow, meaningless, unenlightening conversations my loneliness seemed unaffected and my disorientation to what was happening in the bar was just too much.
About 9:00 I went back to my apartment. I actually hesitated as I opened the door. The anticipation of being there by myself felt foreign and frightening. It seemed like an eternity until morning and there was no frame of reference for what to do and how to manage it. Yet, I entered into the darkness and silence.
But there was hope since my favorite TV show came on at 9:00. Great, that would get me to 10:00. So, feeling great I turned on the TV. As I was watching my favorite show it still felt unusual and sad. There was no one there to laugh with me, cry with me or react together and share the experience. The show was the same, but my enjoyment of it suffered and I was disappointed.
At least now it was 10:00 and the night, the long night was moving on. So I decided to go to bed and speed things up by sleeping through the last hours. As I tried to sleep it was strange. There were unusual sounds, unfamiliar sounds. Unfamiliar sounds from the street, sounds from other apartments filled my head. So I stayed awake. As I stayed awake my mind began to think. Understandably my thoughts were about my wife and family and my situation. The newness of my situation made it hard to think clearly. I did not want to think about it, but it seemed to grab ahold of me and not let go.
In the past when my mind ran wild I could talk about it with my wife or even the kids and things would tame down. Their reactions usually brought me back on track before my mind got out of hand. But without those influences my mind just took off, unrestricted, unbounded and my thoughts exploded to the negative. I could not take the level of anxiety and almost jumped out of bed and headed for the kitchen for a glass of water. Thinking it was about 3:00 am I looked at the clock and it was only 1:00 am. My long, long night seemed never ending.
So, I took a walk outside. I tried to distract my mind by looking at buildings, cars, street signs, trees, and anything I could find. I could not believe the situation I was in and could never have anticipated it. Fearing a return to the empty, sterile, almost frightening apartment, I continued to walk and look and take my mind off of my apartment and my situation.
And as I continued to walk I started to remember some things, some positive things. Some things I could think about. My son, although hard to reach respected me and he thought the situation was due to my wife’s infidelity and had nothing to do my work schedule, which he thought was just my wife’s excuse. That was something my mind could work with. There was also my close friend Scott whose long conversation with me supported my position and was highly critical of my wife.
Yet still those things provided very short relief from the feelings I was having about the long-term prospects of living alone in my apartment. It still remained difficult to see the end of the tunnel for my situation. My anxiety remained high as I continued to walk, and walk, and walk.
Surely it was 5:00 am by now. But I looked at my watch and it was only 3:45. Then my mind wandered into thinking about adversity and the many stories of people who had conquered much more difficult situations than mine, suffered much more adversity than mine, sacrificed much more than I. Look at all the veterans from Viet Nam, Iraq, and Afghanistan. Many need to learn how to live with missing limbs, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, losing their families. Yet, some do it and they stay positive about their lives and their direction. The families that have tragically unexpectedly lost their children and the shock and long-term trauma they experience. But some make it through. How did they accomplish what they did and overcome their situation and stay positive? Was my task much easier than what they overcame? I really do think so. I with all my limbs, having not lost my children, and in much better shape than countless people in the world would have no excuse and would need to move forward with courage and commitment.
My good friend Scott had overcome alcohol abuse and has been clean for 15 years. He had lost his wife and family. He went into depression and negativity. But where was he now? Scott seemed to be in a comfortable place for himself. He had adjusted to a new life and was happy. He said it took time ….. years. He shared his AA experiences about thinking short term, one day at a time, and not trying to control things, and a key AA quote he shared with me:
“When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.”
It was on me to find the answer and begin living it. It was on me to recognize this takes time, overcoming challenges, and requires patience and maintaining hope.
I finished my walk and was back at the apartment. I opened the door without negative thought and went inside. It was 6:30 am, the sun began to rise, as did my hopes. But my hopes were realistic, recognizing challenges to conquer though time and the strength necessary to overcome those challenges and always knowing there were people more disadvantaged than me succeeding.
The night began as a night of fear and apprehension, the worst night of my life. It turned to a night of realistic hope and recognition of my responsibilities and actions necessary for the future.
But, in all my life this experience was the most challenging and this night, among all my nights was ….. the longest night.
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Gerald R Gioglio
09/11/2022Change your thinking, change your life, huh Tom? Nice piece, thanks. jg
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Valerie Allen
09/11/2022You hit the nail on the head with this one! Emotions are difficult to write but you did a good job with the silence of being alone.
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/11/2022Thankyou very much Valerie. See comments below, it was something I could connect with but the plot was not a true story.
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Kevin Hughes
09/11/2022Tom,
Until I read your reply to Lillian, I thought this was actually a 'True Story" where the names are changed to protect the innocent. It shows that you must be a truly empathetic and compasionate man, for you captured the feelings that so many have experienced. It broke my heart.
At my age, is it becoming a Widow, or Widower, that fuels those same feeling, and I hope to exscape that horrible limbo too.
Well done.
Smiles, Kevin
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/11/2022Thanks so much Kevin. I lived an a series of "bachelor pads" from age 23-33 in the years 1971- 1980. Sounds like a party right? Not exactly. most of the emotions expressed in the story were drawn from that decade of experience. There were times of loneliness, uncertainty, uncomfortable silence ..... enough to draw upon to connect with the emotions involved with the story. But, the plot of the story was not true, although the emotions I reflected were mostly drawn from personal experience. Hopefully, that clears things up a bit. Thank you again Kevin for you kind words and for everything you do with StoryStar.
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/11/2022Thank you Still Bill. It was not s true story but I had enough similar experiences to draw upon.
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Lillian Kazmierczak
09/11/2022Tom, I hope this was cathartic for you too write. I went through a divorce a lifetime ago and could recognize myself in your story. I hope nights are better for you now! Thank you for sharing your night of anguish! Congratulations on short story star of the day!
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/11/2022Thanks Lillian! Actually this is not a true story. But, I had lived singe for many years, by choice, but still had periodic loneliness experiences enough to give me a feel to create this piece. In particular, the notion of how your mind will wander in unwanted directions unchecked with nobody around to help keep your thinking in check. I had many of those experiences. Thanks so much again for your comment.
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/11/2022Thanks Martha! The story was not true, but I lived as a single for many years and drew on some of that experience,.
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
JD
09/01/2022i agree with Marla that it seems like a true story, and i'm sure many people can relate to this story and the loneliness experienced because of a loss. well done, Tom.
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Tom Keltner
09/11/2022Thanks JD! Not a true story, but I was single for many years living alone and drew on some of that experience.
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Gail Moore
08/04/2022You wrote that really well.
I am betting this is exactly how people feel in these situations.
Alone with silence.
:-)
COMMENTS (10)