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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Family & Friends
- Subject: Pain / Problems / Adversity
- Published: 03/12/2019
Let me have a choice.
Born 1953, F, from Auckland, New ZealandI’m going to visit my daughter and her family and am very anxious. I have never been on a plane by myself before and this is when it all started.
Normally if I am on a trip I am going away with my husband but he is too ill to travel.
At 79 I thought I still had it in me. I was a very independent person, so until a week before I didn’t even give flying to another country a thought... and then I got the jitters.
Well I got to the airport and missed my flight so arrived at my destination about 10 or so hours after I was supposed to.
Arriving at my destination was quite an experience. There were about 500 or more young teenage girls all cheering and waving as I walked through the terminal.
I was thinking, well well well, they are pleased I finally made it, so I proudly put on my queen wave and waved back at them. Well, I thought, I’ve never in my whole entire life had this much attention.
I got that wrong didn’t I. I was being pushed and shoved by crowds of girls trying to touch a young man beside me before the police came and escorted him away,
Apparently he was an American rock star, Justin Bieber.
I was also whisked away by a lovely police women that had been on the look out for me after my flying from Melbourne to another state and then on to the right destination. No one had informed my family I had missed the plane and caught another, so I was officially lost.
My grandson was one of the police personnel at the airport I had arrived at and had tracked me down, hence I got preferential treatment on arrival.
I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t. I felt quite alone and frightened.
On my return flight I was just as anxious and this was the first time I realised I wasn’t getting any younger.
This was to be my Last trip out of the country. Life from then on started to go down hill.
First there was the dizziness. It never went away. I had good days and bad, mostly bad.
By the time I was 82 I just wanted to stay in bed because I was scared I would fall over.
By the time I was 84 I was falling over and blacking out every 2 weeks or so. This left me battered and bruised. I was like a pin cushion every time I went to a doctor or hospital and a million different concoctions of medication.
So by this age I am thinking, Euthanasia, why haven’t I got the right to say when I have had enough. After all a person of my age should have rights.
If I were a dog you would put me out of my misery, but NO, I am a human so I have to suffer.
86 years old. I don’t get out of bed anymore. I just sit in bed and listen to the TV. My eyesight is failing and I can’t hear well.
My husband just lies beside me. He can’t hear and can only see out of one eye.
Why do we not have rights? Why should it not be our choice?
87, I can now add toileting problems to the list and have to be hospitalised every 2 weeks or so. During one of my visits to the hospital my husband is home alone and passed away from undiagnosed pneumonia.
This was devastating and the trauma caused me to add memory loss to much growing problems.
88, I can’t look after myself and am forced into a nursing facility and still I live on and have no choice.
Days turn to nights, nights turn to day. I lie in bed and wait for the end.
I am nearly 89 and have no quality of life. I barely remember anything as dementia has set in.
I have no rights.
*****
This story is based on my mother who strongly believed in euthanasia but unfortunately does not live in the right country.
Sad but true.
I can never understand how we can treat animals with the dignity they deserve but we refuse to do the same for humans.
I believe that if we are lucky enough to reach old age we should be able to make our own choices. Of course there are a lot of elderly people in the world that are very healthy and live wonderful lives.
But if you are not, then what?
?
Let me have a choice.(Gail)
I’m going to visit my daughter and her family and am very anxious. I have never been on a plane by myself before and this is when it all started.
Normally if I am on a trip I am going away with my husband but he is too ill to travel.
At 79 I thought I still had it in me. I was a very independent person, so until a week before I didn’t even give flying to another country a thought... and then I got the jitters.
Well I got to the airport and missed my flight so arrived at my destination about 10 or so hours after I was supposed to.
Arriving at my destination was quite an experience. There were about 500 or more young teenage girls all cheering and waving as I walked through the terminal.
I was thinking, well well well, they are pleased I finally made it, so I proudly put on my queen wave and waved back at them. Well, I thought, I’ve never in my whole entire life had this much attention.
I got that wrong didn’t I. I was being pushed and shoved by crowds of girls trying to touch a young man beside me before the police came and escorted him away,
Apparently he was an American rock star, Justin Bieber.
I was also whisked away by a lovely police women that had been on the look out for me after my flying from Melbourne to another state and then on to the right destination. No one had informed my family I had missed the plane and caught another, so I was officially lost.
My grandson was one of the police personnel at the airport I had arrived at and had tracked me down, hence I got preferential treatment on arrival.
I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t. I felt quite alone and frightened.
On my return flight I was just as anxious and this was the first time I realised I wasn’t getting any younger.
This was to be my Last trip out of the country. Life from then on started to go down hill.
First there was the dizziness. It never went away. I had good days and bad, mostly bad.
By the time I was 82 I just wanted to stay in bed because I was scared I would fall over.
By the time I was 84 I was falling over and blacking out every 2 weeks or so. This left me battered and bruised. I was like a pin cushion every time I went to a doctor or hospital and a million different concoctions of medication.
So by this age I am thinking, Euthanasia, why haven’t I got the right to say when I have had enough. After all a person of my age should have rights.
If I were a dog you would put me out of my misery, but NO, I am a human so I have to suffer.
86 years old. I don’t get out of bed anymore. I just sit in bed and listen to the TV. My eyesight is failing and I can’t hear well.
My husband just lies beside me. He can’t hear and can only see out of one eye.
Why do we not have rights? Why should it not be our choice?
87, I can now add toileting problems to the list and have to be hospitalised every 2 weeks or so. During one of my visits to the hospital my husband is home alone and passed away from undiagnosed pneumonia.
This was devastating and the trauma caused me to add memory loss to much growing problems.
88, I can’t look after myself and am forced into a nursing facility and still I live on and have no choice.
Days turn to nights, nights turn to day. I lie in bed and wait for the end.
I am nearly 89 and have no quality of life. I barely remember anything as dementia has set in.
I have no rights.
*****
This story is based on my mother who strongly believed in euthanasia but unfortunately does not live in the right country.
Sad but true.
I can never understand how we can treat animals with the dignity they deserve but we refuse to do the same for humans.
I believe that if we are lucky enough to reach old age we should be able to make our own choices. Of course there are a lot of elderly people in the world that are very healthy and live wonderful lives.
But if you are not, then what?
?
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Gail
03/17/2019This certainly is a very intense debate going on here.
I just know if it’s me on the painful end of the stick I would want my family to have the choice to euthanise me when the time was right for me.
What I am trying to say is if you are at the point of no return to a normal or near normal functioning existence then you should be given a choice.
When a person is in pain and can not verbally let people looking after them know they tell you in another way.
My brother in law although he could barely communicate showed his pain by grinding his teeth right down to the bone whist moaning in pain.
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JD
03/17/2019Shay, thanks for sharing your true life story of heartache and frustration in the pains of aging and illness. I know that it is awful to watch a loved one suffer when you feel helpless to ease their suffering, and your story is about this struggle. However, your story is also a plea for legal euthanasia so that everyone can choose how they wish to end their life. This is a very sensitive, controversial, and difficult topic, and much more complex than just a simple 'right to choose' being legal. In my belief and understanding, each person already does have a right to choose whether to end their own life or not. And many people do choose suicide as a way out, which often causes their friends and family much pain in the aftermath. But in the 'illegal' suicide scenario, it is only the suicidal person who makes the choice for themselves. No one else is involved. However, when it is 'legal' many people become involved, and this is why the issue becomes very complex. Sometimes medical professionals end up being forced to prescribe lethal medication, or assist, when it is against their personal beliefs or wishes. Sometimes family and friends are forced to agree to it when they do not believe it is right. And when family and friends disagree with the choice, it can cause a lot of friction and conflict, and many times the medical professionals who have been involved in the process get blamed, harassed, or maybe even sued by family who opposed it. And what happens when/if it becomes 'commonplace'... so much so that no one questions the legality or morality of 'assisted suicide' anymore... and then it becomes easier and easier for anyone to end their life for less and less good reason. Too depressed, can't lose weight, can't find love, can't be happy, just feel tired all the time, etc... etc.... And what happens when it becomes an unspoken pressure or obligation, for those who feel as though they are a burden to others, to take their own lives. IE: Those who become disabled and need care. Those who suffer traumatic brain injury or paralysis. Children who are born with disabilities requiring constant care...once they become adults and therefore much more difficult to care for. ...
I think it is a very slippery slope when suicide becomes 'legal'. This is why I felt the need to offer a differing opinion about it.
Life is hard, and illness and aging are a part of it. We all need to find a way to deal with these challenges the best we can.
I think nature must take its course and we must find a way to overcome or accept the struggles life brings our way. Hopefully these struggles will make us stronger and better people.
I know when my dad was dying from early onset of Alzheimer's, in the final stages, I often wished we could just give him a shot or a pill to end his suffering, and ours. I could not bear watching him suffer and struggle. But in the end, we were at his bedside when he passed, and thereafter i felt grateful for the extra time it took for him to die, unassisted, because I felt it allowed us more time to accept and let him go. I also felt that he died when his time came, so that helped me to accept it. I think if it had been a suicide, legal or not, it would be much harder to come to peace with it. At least for me.
Since my dad's death I've also lost several beloved pets and I chose to let them die when their time came, rather than taking them to a strange place to get an injection, which I felt would be traumatic for them. As difficult as it was, the time I shared with them at the end of their lives was very precious and I would not have wanted to trade it for a manufactured time and place. Many years ago, I previously had a vet come to my home to 'put down' my most beloved pet of 17 years, and that experience was horrible in every way. It wasn't the least bit humane, and I have grieved about it ever since. For me... now... it seems much better to let time and nature run its course and accept the outcome, whatever that may be.
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JD
03/17/2019Shay, I'm glad that you were able to 'vent' by telling your story. Losing those we love, by whatever means, is never easy.
I agree that none of us would want to lay in a vegetative state for months or years. And of course young healthy people rarely think about these things, but a lot of people here sign DNR's so that if something like that happens to them they will not be kept alive in that state by artificial means.
However, I also think that someone in such a state, or mentally impaired, perhaps does not suffer as much as those of us who have to stand by helplessly watching their decline.
But there is no way to know these things, since we cannot know the mind's of those who cannot speak their mind.
There are no easy answers, that's for sure.
I'm sorry for the pain that you and your family are going through.
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Kevin Hughes
03/17/2019Jd.
Sadly I will have to disagree with you on this one. I have watched to many people die in agony as their "relatives who couldn't "Let go" wouldn't let them die. If you let a dog, or a cat suffer like that- you would be ostracized beyond belief. Even with pets, I have seen Vets beg the owners to let the dog die...but no- they couldn't let go.
I would use the word "selfish". Who is anyone to decide how much pain and suffering is enough for someone else? Especially when it is the other person who has to live in that pain? Three of my friends died of ALS, and in every case the end was inevitable, and all three wanted to die before they were put in a bed, fed through tubes, and kept alive by a trach or respirator.
In our country, the person suffering also has to worry about the financial burden they are leaving behind too. Not that money means a darn thing when you are shitting blood, and fighting to breathe your next breath. Sure depression from pain and suffering is common, but most of us my age and older, also can be just tired of life, and not be depressed - we just know it isn't going to get any better.
Breaking bones and recovering, at ninety, is rare. But I know many 90 years olds, and they hate the fact that they have those genes. Everyone they knew is dead. In some cases, their spouses, and their children too. As my one Aunt says: "If it wasn't for Weddings and Funerals nobody would even think of me."
Can you imagine every single person you loved being gone? Except for some down stream great grandkids? Even at my age, half of my closest friends, and six of my siblings are gone. Some of my family has good health way into their late seventies, others have been fighting ill health for decades.
Who are you, or anyone else to tell me I have to suffer, so that you have time to deal with my death? Have you sat next to your brother as he screams trying to swallow a damn pill...because his insurance wouldn't cover the Tier One shots? Or watch him lose the ability to do anything but scream, and eventually, not even that. But his body was still strong enough to linger four more days. And still his wife couldn't "let him go."
I can't judge her. She loved my brother. She believed like you. But I know what my brother wanted...and he was ready to go months earlier.
I am Autistic, so I might not be couching this in the right way. I do look things up...and in the States where Euthanasia is legal (but only if two different Doctors determine you are Terminal, and nothing can be done, and the situation will only deteriorate )...fully two thirds of the folks given the "kits" to kill themselves, never use it at all. But the fact that they have a CHOICE seems to bring its own measure of peace. And the third that did use it, died in peace, on their own terms, when they were ready. Not when a relative, or Doctor, Nurse, or Legal system told them they could.
If you believe in a God, then God is the one who should judge the person that took their own life, it isn't your job. And if you are lucky enough to fight through something when you are young, and can return to life, then fight like hell. If you are seventy and can't wipe your own ass, put on shoes, or go for a walk..and in pain every moment of every day- why fight?
The people who tell you life might hold surprises in the future, leave you in that bed of misery, as they go down to get a bite to eat, go about their day, or run some errands. Returning when (at their choice) they decide to sit with you, hold your hand, or murmur platitudes. Then they leave to go home and cry, or party, or cook, or whatever...and you...you stay in the bed, alone with your pain.
Most folks, at least in my experience, don't take euthanasia lightly, and they don't think of it as an easy solution to financial worries, lost love, or broken dreams, - those folks are much younger (in general) and Mentally Ill, who think the solution to their temporary woes as a teen, twenty something, or forty year old- is to kill themselves.
People with chronic illnesses, or terminal diseases, or folks who have just reached old age and lost their independence and quality of life, aren't coming at it from the same angle as those you mentioned in your well said, and thoughtful, reponse.
I have lived long enough to know that living and being alive are two separate things. Most of us will fight to stay alive (just talk to any cancer survivor) - but many of us have figured out that the fight is lost. Or the battle isn't worth it. We aren't fighting to stay alive to see our kids grow up, or get a degree, or be there for our partner...we are fighting for a chance at even more pain...and some of us don't want to do that.
I have put it in writing: Do not resuscitate, No heroic measures, palliative care only. My choice!
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Gail
03/17/2019That is some reply :-)
Yes you have offered an entirely different perspective on the subject. Well worth thinking about.
Sometimes you just have to vent and this story was my way of saying I’m frustrated that the person I would phone and have an everyday conversation with now asks me who I am with confusion in her voice.
Heartbreaking the other day when she said she was brassed off because her husband was taking to long to come and pick her up.
I did not have the heart to tell her he died 18 months ago.
She used to say, I never want to be like that and put me down if I ever get like that.
Shane’s brother passed away 3 years ago after being hit in the head ( a fireman at work) . This was in 1979.
He lay in a bed semi conscious for all that time, died twice and revived twice. I think as a fit young man his choice would not have been to lay their for that amount of time in a vegetative state, very very sad case :-(
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Kevin Hughes
03/12/2019Shay,
This hit home at so many levels. My best friend, myself, and another friend have made each other laugh by saying things like: "I now have more Doctors than friends." And all of us are in our late sixties. We were all former athletes, and yet, our bodies now are shutting down. I can't put my shoes on without help from my wife- six weeks of rehab and I can finally do the laundry for her again.
Quality of life is something that younger folks can't understand. And laying there a complete vegetable for three weeks - is acceptable to our Medical Community- but like you said: "If a dog was treated that way..." We would be in jail for neglect, cruelty, and our selfish desire to keep a pet alive that is suffering.
There is no way to explain age to young folks. I sure wasn't prepared for it, and I have over a dozen family members who are still living past 85...and my oldest Aunt just turned 100- and drove herself to the party. Half of them though, are in constant pain, partially blind, deaf, or crippled. With only one exception, most of them pray to not wake up in the morning.
Let's hope that as so many of us get older, that we get folks to realize there is a difference between being alive, and living. And that you are not depressed when you are actually just done with life- tired, not depressed. One more day doesn't mean anything when you didn't want it.
Thanks for sharing this. Maybe some Politicians, Doctors, and young people will read it.
Smiles, Kevin
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JD
03/17/2019I understand your point of view, both of you, but unfortunately it isn't only old people who suffer with illness and depression. Life often gets too difficult to bear for many people, throughout their lives. Much of the time we get through the hard times and emerge stronger and better. Of course, the older you get the harder it gets, and the less likely it gets, to get through and emerge stronger and better. But it still happens. A friend of my mom's, now close to 90, fell and broke her shoulder, arm and hip, and they said she would never be able to walk or care for herself again. A few months later she was back to her normal routine. Then she fell again and broke several more bones. Again, a few months later she was back to her old self. After that she was moved to an assisted living facility where she is enjoying her life and being well cared for, and loved by staff and residents. And she's been going strong for many years now since earlier being told twice that she would never be able to walk again and would most likely never recover from her injuries and never get back up out of bed.
I'm just saying, you never know what life will bring your way, or how much you can overcome, until it happens. If everyone had the legal choice to take a suicide drug to end it all, whenever the going got tough, then very few people would learn what is possible in their own lives, and in human life, in terms of being able to overcome the challenges life brings our way....
(See also my separate comment above. Just offering another perspective on this issue....) :-)
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Kevin Hughes
03/12/2019LOL, I just finished writing a reply to you on my Mud Story! What are you doing up so late young lady? I knew you had another Nom de Plume- but I didn't realize it was Shay! My best friend (for almost sixty years now) went to the doctor because his little finger and ring finger wouldn't stop quivering. The Doctor said it was due to a pinched nerve in his shoulder and that my friend probably just slept on it wrong.
My friend made me laugh when he said to the Doctor: "I don't mean to be rude Doctor, but just when did sleeping become a health risk?"
Smiles, and I am off to bed now. Kevin
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Gail
03/12/2019Kevin, thats really funny I was reading your story as you were reading mine. ( Alias Gail here )
Am very glad you liked my story . I know what you mean. I am starting to get aches and pains at 65 and I never ever want to be reliant on other people to take care of me.
I know it can be so degrading for the elderly and I don't think they should be treated with disrespect but so often they are.
They are left with no choices of their own.
All the best , Gail alias Shay :-)
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