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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Family & Friends
- Subject: Life Changing Decisions/Events
- Published: 06/11/2017
How to be your own best friend.
Born 1951, M, from Wilmington NC, United StatesToday I got an email from the Therapist who helped me discover who I am. In that email I discovered that Neurotypical People get discouraged too. Life, sometimes, is overwhelming. What to do?
I know at least one thing you can do- learn to be your own best friend. It takes effort, understanding, and above all- kindness. I want you to be kind to yourself for a whole day. Try it. I bet you don’t make it to lunch – at least that first day. Why? Because we think other people are : better, smarter, more skilled, have it all together, and are both unstoppable and unflappable.
Why do we think that? Especially if we are on the Spectrum? Because we think that the people we like and care about- are special people. And they are. But guess what? They think you are special too. They think you are smart, talented, funny, caring, and a hoot to hang around with. But you can’t hear them, because your own voice is shouting them down in your head. Stop it. Become your own best friend.
Okay, let’s say someone you care about is having a rough patch in their career, romance, or life, and they talk to you about whatever it is that is causing them pain. What to you do? You do what any friend who cares would do- you listen.
You listen without malice, or rebuttal, or solutions- any words you do offer are kind, safe, supporting…even, empowering. Because you are kind. Kind. Remember that word. Get to know it well. Go beyond the dictionary definition of it, and start looking for real life examples, including how you talk to people you care about. Be as kind to yourself as you are to someone you care about who is hurting.
When you support someone you love in troubled times, notice what is missing from the words, tones, and gestures you use. You know what is missing? Judgement. You don’t care if you are right or wrong, you aren’t judging them, you are supporting them. You want them to feel better. So you suspend judgement, you don’t try and be some kind of “yes-person”, or sycophant, but you skip any frosting of righteousness, or cover of superiority. You are kind, you listen, you support, and malice is absent from your statements. That is what you do for a friend.
How do you talk to yourself? Is judgement absent? Are you kind with the words and thoughts you have? Is malice, guilt , shame and even hate- absent from your thoughts and emotions? Probably not. Why not? Because you are not your own best friend. You have forgotten to be kind to yourself, and failed to recognize how special you are- in your own way. Stop beating yourself up, emotionally, or spiritually, or socially. Instead, learn to hug yourself.
When you get wound up physically, grab a couple of ice cubes and squeeze them in your hands. It beats punching a wall, or cutting yourself, but it calms you down. (Try it. It might work for you.) Or, if you are like me, you can go in a dark room and lay face down and smack one leg over and over again on the mattress while humming. Don’t feel silly, or stupid, or ashamed, if those things work to settle you- then they are good things. If you learn to be your own best friend, you can even tell yourself that you need a good cry, or to be away from people for a while, to follow your own needs first. It isn’t selfish, it is friendship.
Become your own best friend. Kind words, kind thoughts, and kind understanding- just like you would comfort a friend. For friends sometimes leave your life, you never will. After a while, you will see what others see in you; a good person doing their best to be a better person. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, and never say anything in your self talk that you wouldn’t say to a friend who needs your support. If you do that, your best friend may very well become- you!
How to be your own best friend.(Kevin Hughes)
Today I got an email from the Therapist who helped me discover who I am. In that email I discovered that Neurotypical People get discouraged too. Life, sometimes, is overwhelming. What to do?
I know at least one thing you can do- learn to be your own best friend. It takes effort, understanding, and above all- kindness. I want you to be kind to yourself for a whole day. Try it. I bet you don’t make it to lunch – at least that first day. Why? Because we think other people are : better, smarter, more skilled, have it all together, and are both unstoppable and unflappable.
Why do we think that? Especially if we are on the Spectrum? Because we think that the people we like and care about- are special people. And they are. But guess what? They think you are special too. They think you are smart, talented, funny, caring, and a hoot to hang around with. But you can’t hear them, because your own voice is shouting them down in your head. Stop it. Become your own best friend.
Okay, let’s say someone you care about is having a rough patch in their career, romance, or life, and they talk to you about whatever it is that is causing them pain. What to you do? You do what any friend who cares would do- you listen.
You listen without malice, or rebuttal, or solutions- any words you do offer are kind, safe, supporting…even, empowering. Because you are kind. Kind. Remember that word. Get to know it well. Go beyond the dictionary definition of it, and start looking for real life examples, including how you talk to people you care about. Be as kind to yourself as you are to someone you care about who is hurting.
When you support someone you love in troubled times, notice what is missing from the words, tones, and gestures you use. You know what is missing? Judgement. You don’t care if you are right or wrong, you aren’t judging them, you are supporting them. You want them to feel better. So you suspend judgement, you don’t try and be some kind of “yes-person”, or sycophant, but you skip any frosting of righteousness, or cover of superiority. You are kind, you listen, you support, and malice is absent from your statements. That is what you do for a friend.
How do you talk to yourself? Is judgement absent? Are you kind with the words and thoughts you have? Is malice, guilt , shame and even hate- absent from your thoughts and emotions? Probably not. Why not? Because you are not your own best friend. You have forgotten to be kind to yourself, and failed to recognize how special you are- in your own way. Stop beating yourself up, emotionally, or spiritually, or socially. Instead, learn to hug yourself.
When you get wound up physically, grab a couple of ice cubes and squeeze them in your hands. It beats punching a wall, or cutting yourself, but it calms you down. (Try it. It might work for you.) Or, if you are like me, you can go in a dark room and lay face down and smack one leg over and over again on the mattress while humming. Don’t feel silly, or stupid, or ashamed, if those things work to settle you- then they are good things. If you learn to be your own best friend, you can even tell yourself that you need a good cry, or to be away from people for a while, to follow your own needs first. It isn’t selfish, it is friendship.
Become your own best friend. Kind words, kind thoughts, and kind understanding- just like you would comfort a friend. For friends sometimes leave your life, you never will. After a while, you will see what others see in you; a good person doing their best to be a better person. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, and never say anything in your self talk that you wouldn’t say to a friend who needs your support. If you do that, your best friend may very well become- you!
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