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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Drama / Human Interest
- Subject: Death / Heartbreak / Loss
- Published: 02/03/2016
Day Zero
Born 1993, F, from Qc, Philippines*Tap* ..*Tap* HEY WHA...?? *TAP*
I've managed to like your post for a few seconds and I just want to be swallowed up by the ground. Panicked, I did the like-unlike thing to my support group albeit maybe a bit faster. Not an avid user of social networking sites, I immediately asked them if they got a notification. They did. And I couldn't stop my hand from slapping me.
I was on my third week of withdrawal and so far so good. After the first week, I didn't cry at the thought of you anymore. After the second week I didn't feel the need to know how you are and what you are doing at the moment. My goal for the third week was to stop checking my phone for any alerts about you. And now this happened.
I barely slept that night. Thinking of all the things that you might be thinking about me. How desperate I must look like to you. But then I got tired again. Of wasting precious sleep time griping about something I won't be able to change. About something probably only I care about. About you that probably just snorted at the notification.
The next day, I was over it. I have convinced myself that you probably didn't even notice.
*Beep* said my phone and I looked over, expecting my support group to be greeting me. "That was just an accidental click right?" you said. I just slammed my face to the desk. I couldn't understand why you would do this to me. Why do you want to know? I hated you and loved how you knew me so well. That you didn't accuse me of trying to get your attention. And I hated myself for bathing you in holy light again. It took me hours (and four consultations) before I got the courage to type "Yep." to you.
Your effect was tidal. With a single message, you swept away my three weeks. Every time I remembered your message, I just wanted to go to you and cry my heart out until you accept me again. Every single sound I heard seemed to come from my phone and I come rushing over to see if it was you. Don't you realize the power you hold over me? Over my fragile little dignity?
"Are you okay now? Do you want to be friends again?" SO. I GUESS FVCKING NOT. You DON'T realize that kindness can crush a person. You DON'T realize how cruel you are being. I got so mad I didn't even think before I replied "No. I can't be friends with you without falling again." And I saw in my mind an enormous, heavy wooden door slowly creaking shut and I added "At least not right now."
I wanted to punch myself (but settled for slapping myself again) for giving in to you. For giving in to the part of me that wants to beg at your feet to take me back. "Well then, talk to you some other time then."
"Whenever that is." I wanted to punch you then and there. I'm SORRY I loved you. I'm SORRY I thought we were going to spend our days together. I'm SORRY I care for you much more than I have ever cared for any FRIEND of mine. I'm SORRY I can't keep myself from crying that I can't allow myself to be bound to you without you being bound to me. I'm SORRY I care more about my happiness than you having one less friend. I cried myself to sleep, saying sorry to you, to me, to us.
When I woke up, I just thought that maybe, just maybe, one day I will no longer feel sorry. I will be able to talk to you again. I will offer my ears to you again. I can be happy for you when you settle down. But for today, I need to pick myself up again. Start over. With day zero.
Day Zero(sato-chi)
*Tap* ..*Tap* HEY WHA...?? *TAP*
I've managed to like your post for a few seconds and I just want to be swallowed up by the ground. Panicked, I did the like-unlike thing to my support group albeit maybe a bit faster. Not an avid user of social networking sites, I immediately asked them if they got a notification. They did. And I couldn't stop my hand from slapping me.
I was on my third week of withdrawal and so far so good. After the first week, I didn't cry at the thought of you anymore. After the second week I didn't feel the need to know how you are and what you are doing at the moment. My goal for the third week was to stop checking my phone for any alerts about you. And now this happened.
I barely slept that night. Thinking of all the things that you might be thinking about me. How desperate I must look like to you. But then I got tired again. Of wasting precious sleep time griping about something I won't be able to change. About something probably only I care about. About you that probably just snorted at the notification.
The next day, I was over it. I have convinced myself that you probably didn't even notice.
*Beep* said my phone and I looked over, expecting my support group to be greeting me. "That was just an accidental click right?" you said. I just slammed my face to the desk. I couldn't understand why you would do this to me. Why do you want to know? I hated you and loved how you knew me so well. That you didn't accuse me of trying to get your attention. And I hated myself for bathing you in holy light again. It took me hours (and four consultations) before I got the courage to type "Yep." to you.
Your effect was tidal. With a single message, you swept away my three weeks. Every time I remembered your message, I just wanted to go to you and cry my heart out until you accept me again. Every single sound I heard seemed to come from my phone and I come rushing over to see if it was you. Don't you realize the power you hold over me? Over my fragile little dignity?
"Are you okay now? Do you want to be friends again?" SO. I GUESS FVCKING NOT. You DON'T realize that kindness can crush a person. You DON'T realize how cruel you are being. I got so mad I didn't even think before I replied "No. I can't be friends with you without falling again." And I saw in my mind an enormous, heavy wooden door slowly creaking shut and I added "At least not right now."
I wanted to punch myself (but settled for slapping myself again) for giving in to you. For giving in to the part of me that wants to beg at your feet to take me back. "Well then, talk to you some other time then."
"Whenever that is." I wanted to punch you then and there. I'm SORRY I loved you. I'm SORRY I thought we were going to spend our days together. I'm SORRY I care for you much more than I have ever cared for any FRIEND of mine. I'm SORRY I can't keep myself from crying that I can't allow myself to be bound to you without you being bound to me. I'm SORRY I care more about my happiness than you having one less friend. I cried myself to sleep, saying sorry to you, to me, to us.
When I woke up, I just thought that maybe, just maybe, one day I will no longer feel sorry. I will be able to talk to you again. I will offer my ears to you again. I can be happy for you when you settle down. But for today, I need to pick myself up again. Start over. With day zero.
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