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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Family & Friends
- Subject: Pets / Animal Friends
- Published: 01/30/2016
Nobody
Born 1941, M, from Whitby, United KingdomNobody.
Puss, Puss, Puss. Puss, Puss, Puss.
You pretend it’s not you I'm talking to.
Puss, Puss, Puss.
But you know. Oh yes, you know alright.
Whoever dumped you at the top of the hill probably was right.
You are far too full of your own importance.
They could not put up with your superior manners.
You're not from round here. We know that now.
You walked in the front door as though you lived here for years.
Well young lady you've got another thing coming.
When you sat in front of the fire the fleas were jumping off you like men off a sinking ship.
So there is nothing else to do but give you a bath.
Then some nice flea killer on your neck.
It isn’t painful at all.
Are you listening to me?
It's no good hiding behind the washing machine.
If you don't flipping well come out I'll put you in it.
See if you'll like that!
That’ll get you clean and shift those fleas.
I can reach you with the walking stick if I have to.
Puss, Puss, Puss.
We are going to call you 'Nobody' 'cos that's what you are.
You've had a plate of rod caught tuna.
But don't think you're going to get that every day.
No way hose`.
It'll be left over's, that's all you'll be getting.
And if you don't come out you'll have to go outside and catch a mouse, or something.
Puss, Puss, Puss.
Right that's it I'm going for the walking stick.
No, wait a minute.
"Softly, softly catchy monkey."
Let's get the last of the rod caught tuna - that'll do the trick.
Puss, Puss, Puss.
Come on now, Come to mammy.
GOTCHA!
Now then this is the bathroom and the door is shut.
This is your towel and you're going to have a nice bath.
I'll just run some lovely warm water for you.
There you are that’s lovely isn’t it.
OH! GODDAM IT CAT!
Nobody(Ossie Durrans)
Nobody.
Puss, Puss, Puss. Puss, Puss, Puss.
You pretend it’s not you I'm talking to.
Puss, Puss, Puss.
But you know. Oh yes, you know alright.
Whoever dumped you at the top of the hill probably was right.
You are far too full of your own importance.
They could not put up with your superior manners.
You're not from round here. We know that now.
You walked in the front door as though you lived here for years.
Well young lady you've got another thing coming.
When you sat in front of the fire the fleas were jumping off you like men off a sinking ship.
So there is nothing else to do but give you a bath.
Then some nice flea killer on your neck.
It isn’t painful at all.
Are you listening to me?
It's no good hiding behind the washing machine.
If you don't flipping well come out I'll put you in it.
See if you'll like that!
That’ll get you clean and shift those fleas.
I can reach you with the walking stick if I have to.
Puss, Puss, Puss.
We are going to call you 'Nobody' 'cos that's what you are.
You've had a plate of rod caught tuna.
But don't think you're going to get that every day.
No way hose`.
It'll be left over's, that's all you'll be getting.
And if you don't come out you'll have to go outside and catch a mouse, or something.
Puss, Puss, Puss.
Right that's it I'm going for the walking stick.
No, wait a minute.
"Softly, softly catchy monkey."
Let's get the last of the rod caught tuna - that'll do the trick.
Puss, Puss, Puss.
Come on now, Come to mammy.
GOTCHA!
Now then this is the bathroom and the door is shut.
This is your towel and you're going to have a nice bath.
I'll just run some lovely warm water for you.
There you are that’s lovely isn’t it.
OH! GODDAM IT CAT!
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