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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Love stories / Romance
- Subject: Comedy / Humor
- Published: 01/16/2016
Will He?
Born 1941, M, from Whitby, United KingdomWill He?
"Now that you've made it to the elevated heights of Personnel Secretary to the Managing Director maybe you could get us two coffees?"
She would have brought him her virginity (or lack of it) on a tray if he had asked. He had a female client with him and he smiled cheekily to her.
"Milk and sugar?"
"Black please." said the attractive, mature brunette, exuding authority.
Benjamin closed the door and Miranda busied herself in the small neat kitchen. Her thoughts wandering as she talked away to herself.
You know he's married and happily.
You know you talk to the girls too much about him.
You know now that you're his personnel secretary it will only get worse.
You know that he'll never be free for you.
You know that even if he were he probably wouldn't fancy you anyway.
Yes, yes, yes.
But you like it don't you?
YES!
She took the coffees through and caught the end of a sentence.
“…………………….Sam stays, if we merge. That could be the best route."
"Oh, thanks Miranda."
His smile had the same effect it always had. In through the eyes and straight down to the stomach where a lot of furry little animals woke up, became excited and started to jump around.
She turned and left, hoping that he was looking at her bum. She knew he sometimes did. So just in case she gave it some fluidity.
…………………………………………
"Miranda," said best friend Jennifer, in exasperation, "you need to broaden your horizons - Benjamin is booked solid and you must look elsewhere. Oh, and another thing stop talking about him as though he's your lover. He's not, he's your boss."
"Maybe, fancy pants, you don't know everything. Maybe I've had a fling with him in the cash cupboard that you don't know about."
"Yes, maybe you have, but if it was true you would have told me by now. You wouldn't have been able to contain yourself. Cash cupboard, what rot."
"Agh, well, there you are then maybe you don't know everything. I'll have another Vodka and lemonade. It's your turn."
Miranda knew the cash cupboard. It was a relic from the past that had been left in the Director's office wall. This was because of its imposing steel vault door with an impressive ships wheel like opening mechanism complete with combination code wheel. Nowadays it held nothing more exciting than stationery and office spares. Miranda also remembered that if you managed to get in there with someone during the Christmas office party and hooked up the latch then you were totally safe from interruption. She thought that she alone was aware of this. As this thought filtered through her grey matter she occasioned to glance back at Jennifer
The other reason that the cash cupboard stuck in her mind was the dreaded Luke. He was the office boy and gopher. His penchant was to make the most realistic fart noises imaginable. He did this with a wire rod bent to a harp like shape. Between the open ends were several office rubber bands. Suspended in the centre was a steel washer. Luke would wind this up then sit on it on the leatherette office chair until someone unsuspecting passed. Then he would lift up one of his cheeks until the washer rotated and drummed on the seat. The noise was more than life like. Accompanied by a strained expression on his face he could bring silence to any conversation.
Miranda had gone into the cash cupboard with Benjamin to find the developer for the copier. Luke was waiting for it sat on the typist's chair. As soon as they were inside the cupboard he let rip. Miranda remembered the immediate ceasing of the chat. The revolting sound burst forth again and again at professionally tested intervals.
Nothing that Miranda could think of would break the word deadlock. Benjamin too, didn't know how to react to save embarrassment so they both shot out of the cupboard and glared at Luke. He was sat there quietly with his head down scanning page three.
The next morning Benjamin called Miranda into his office. He avoided eye contact. She had an immediate feeling of impending doom.
"Miranda, there is no easy way to tell you this. Our company has been taken over by another in the same line. Many jobs are duplicated. That includes the managing directors. As you are the youngest secretary ………………………….. But she was already up and running. She could hear gunfire, actually inside her head.
"Miranda - Miranda, wait a minute…………………..I haven't finished."
Down the stairs across the car park and into the Ford. Gears grinding into reverse then away with tears distorting her contact lenses. She felt she was driving under water.
That night at Jennifer's request, she was getting smashed in her local. Jennifer was going to give her a lift home.
"It was true you know, I did 'av a fling wiv 'im in the cash cupboard."
She was swirling the ice in the bottom of another large Vodka.
Jennifer cocked an eyebrow pretending disbelief.
"No, it's true, scout’s honour." she saluted, wobbly.
"OH yes and what exactly did he do? Tell me all the gory details."
"Well, I'll tell you one thing I found out." She replied a little too loudly. "I found out that he hasn't got a Willy."
It faded to a whisper.
Jennifer had just taken a swallow and promptly spluttered it across the table.
"You what! You mean to tell me that there he is, happily married with two kids and he hasn't got a
Willy? How the hell did he manage that?"
Jennifer could not contain herself anymore and started laughing.
A man, who could well have been of the cloth, on the next table, pricked up (metaphorically
speaking) his ears. Especially when the peel of laughter did not diminish but fed and grew on itself,
becoming avalanchical.
Jennifer had lost it.
"Shhh, - shhhhhh,," whispered Miranda very loudly. "It's true."
The man of the cloth leaned across, serious concern on his face.
"You should feel sorry for the poor man, not try to mock him."
Miranda turned to him, shut one eye and whispered; -
"They can manage without one you know. I used to be a nurse and I know about these things."
Jennifer, recovering a bit said, "How do you mean they can manage without one? Come on Miranda explain yourself."
Miranda screwed up the face again and concentrated.
"Well, it's like this, if they only have a tiny little tinkler, then they have to……………... Well you know."
"No, I don't know, come on out with it."
"Yes, yes that's right. You've got it - they have to come out with it."
The laughter following was more like that from a whore's garret cackle.
Jennifer now reached full abandoned crescendo. The whole of the pub wanted a bit of the action
that seemed intent on destroying the two women.
There were whoops and catcalls and offers of all sorts of help. The man of the cloth left.
Miranda stood up and shouted to them all.
"It's true, it's true, he hasn't got a Willy!" Then flopped down.
Fortunately, or possibly unfortunately, it was nearly closing time. The mood of the pub was that of well-oiled wheels and they all cheered.
"Miranda, I've been looking for you everywhere."
She almost sobered up at the familiar voice.
"We may have been taken over - you won't be working for the M.D. any more. She has her own P.S. called Sam. But your job with me will still be there. I'll now be called Deputy Managing Director. My P.S. will only be P.S to the Deputy. That job is yours - if you still want it."
"If I want it - of course I bloody well still want it."
"Well, OK, I'll leave you to it then and I'll see you in the morning."
He looked her in the eye this time then added;-
"Bright eyed and bushy tailed."
He turned and walked out wondering why everyone seemed to be looking at the front of his trousers. Out of the door he stopped and checked his flies.
Next morning Miranda was on time and trying to behave normally. She had an emperor-sized hangover and her hands were shaking. Ben arrived and brightly went past her to his office door.
He turned and smiled at her. The furry little animals woke up. The hangover miraculously suddenly gone.
"I'd love a coffee Miranda. Can you bring me one in please? Oh, and bring one for yourself. We'll have it together.
As an afterthought he added;-
"Oh, and will you bring the cash cupboard key with you please."
Will He?(Ossie Durrans)
Will He?
"Now that you've made it to the elevated heights of Personnel Secretary to the Managing Director maybe you could get us two coffees?"
She would have brought him her virginity (or lack of it) on a tray if he had asked. He had a female client with him and he smiled cheekily to her.
"Milk and sugar?"
"Black please." said the attractive, mature brunette, exuding authority.
Benjamin closed the door and Miranda busied herself in the small neat kitchen. Her thoughts wandering as she talked away to herself.
You know he's married and happily.
You know you talk to the girls too much about him.
You know now that you're his personnel secretary it will only get worse.
You know that he'll never be free for you.
You know that even if he were he probably wouldn't fancy you anyway.
Yes, yes, yes.
But you like it don't you?
YES!
She took the coffees through and caught the end of a sentence.
“…………………….Sam stays, if we merge. That could be the best route."
"Oh, thanks Miranda."
His smile had the same effect it always had. In through the eyes and straight down to the stomach where a lot of furry little animals woke up, became excited and started to jump around.
She turned and left, hoping that he was looking at her bum. She knew he sometimes did. So just in case she gave it some fluidity.
…………………………………………
"Miranda," said best friend Jennifer, in exasperation, "you need to broaden your horizons - Benjamin is booked solid and you must look elsewhere. Oh, and another thing stop talking about him as though he's your lover. He's not, he's your boss."
"Maybe, fancy pants, you don't know everything. Maybe I've had a fling with him in the cash cupboard that you don't know about."
"Yes, maybe you have, but if it was true you would have told me by now. You wouldn't have been able to contain yourself. Cash cupboard, what rot."
"Agh, well, there you are then maybe you don't know everything. I'll have another Vodka and lemonade. It's your turn."
Miranda knew the cash cupboard. It was a relic from the past that had been left in the Director's office wall. This was because of its imposing steel vault door with an impressive ships wheel like opening mechanism complete with combination code wheel. Nowadays it held nothing more exciting than stationery and office spares. Miranda also remembered that if you managed to get in there with someone during the Christmas office party and hooked up the latch then you were totally safe from interruption. She thought that she alone was aware of this. As this thought filtered through her grey matter she occasioned to glance back at Jennifer
The other reason that the cash cupboard stuck in her mind was the dreaded Luke. He was the office boy and gopher. His penchant was to make the most realistic fart noises imaginable. He did this with a wire rod bent to a harp like shape. Between the open ends were several office rubber bands. Suspended in the centre was a steel washer. Luke would wind this up then sit on it on the leatherette office chair until someone unsuspecting passed. Then he would lift up one of his cheeks until the washer rotated and drummed on the seat. The noise was more than life like. Accompanied by a strained expression on his face he could bring silence to any conversation.
Miranda had gone into the cash cupboard with Benjamin to find the developer for the copier. Luke was waiting for it sat on the typist's chair. As soon as they were inside the cupboard he let rip. Miranda remembered the immediate ceasing of the chat. The revolting sound burst forth again and again at professionally tested intervals.
Nothing that Miranda could think of would break the word deadlock. Benjamin too, didn't know how to react to save embarrassment so they both shot out of the cupboard and glared at Luke. He was sat there quietly with his head down scanning page three.
The next morning Benjamin called Miranda into his office. He avoided eye contact. She had an immediate feeling of impending doom.
"Miranda, there is no easy way to tell you this. Our company has been taken over by another in the same line. Many jobs are duplicated. That includes the managing directors. As you are the youngest secretary ………………………….. But she was already up and running. She could hear gunfire, actually inside her head.
"Miranda - Miranda, wait a minute…………………..I haven't finished."
Down the stairs across the car park and into the Ford. Gears grinding into reverse then away with tears distorting her contact lenses. She felt she was driving under water.
That night at Jennifer's request, she was getting smashed in her local. Jennifer was going to give her a lift home.
"It was true you know, I did 'av a fling wiv 'im in the cash cupboard."
She was swirling the ice in the bottom of another large Vodka.
Jennifer cocked an eyebrow pretending disbelief.
"No, it's true, scout’s honour." she saluted, wobbly.
"OH yes and what exactly did he do? Tell me all the gory details."
"Well, I'll tell you one thing I found out." She replied a little too loudly. "I found out that he hasn't got a Willy."
It faded to a whisper.
Jennifer had just taken a swallow and promptly spluttered it across the table.
"You what! You mean to tell me that there he is, happily married with two kids and he hasn't got a
Willy? How the hell did he manage that?"
Jennifer could not contain herself anymore and started laughing.
A man, who could well have been of the cloth, on the next table, pricked up (metaphorically
speaking) his ears. Especially when the peel of laughter did not diminish but fed and grew on itself,
becoming avalanchical.
Jennifer had lost it.
"Shhh, - shhhhhh,," whispered Miranda very loudly. "It's true."
The man of the cloth leaned across, serious concern on his face.
"You should feel sorry for the poor man, not try to mock him."
Miranda turned to him, shut one eye and whispered; -
"They can manage without one you know. I used to be a nurse and I know about these things."
Jennifer, recovering a bit said, "How do you mean they can manage without one? Come on Miranda explain yourself."
Miranda screwed up the face again and concentrated.
"Well, it's like this, if they only have a tiny little tinkler, then they have to……………... Well you know."
"No, I don't know, come on out with it."
"Yes, yes that's right. You've got it - they have to come out with it."
The laughter following was more like that from a whore's garret cackle.
Jennifer now reached full abandoned crescendo. The whole of the pub wanted a bit of the action
that seemed intent on destroying the two women.
There were whoops and catcalls and offers of all sorts of help. The man of the cloth left.
Miranda stood up and shouted to them all.
"It's true, it's true, he hasn't got a Willy!" Then flopped down.
Fortunately, or possibly unfortunately, it was nearly closing time. The mood of the pub was that of well-oiled wheels and they all cheered.
"Miranda, I've been looking for you everywhere."
She almost sobered up at the familiar voice.
"We may have been taken over - you won't be working for the M.D. any more. She has her own P.S. called Sam. But your job with me will still be there. I'll now be called Deputy Managing Director. My P.S. will only be P.S to the Deputy. That job is yours - if you still want it."
"If I want it - of course I bloody well still want it."
"Well, OK, I'll leave you to it then and I'll see you in the morning."
He looked her in the eye this time then added;-
"Bright eyed and bushy tailed."
He turned and walked out wondering why everyone seemed to be looking at the front of his trousers. Out of the door he stopped and checked his flies.
Next morning Miranda was on time and trying to behave normally. She had an emperor-sized hangover and her hands were shaking. Ben arrived and brightly went past her to his office door.
He turned and smiled at her. The furry little animals woke up. The hangover miraculously suddenly gone.
"I'd love a coffee Miranda. Can you bring me one in please? Oh, and bring one for yourself. We'll have it together.
As an afterthought he added;-
"Oh, and will you bring the cash cupboard key with you please."
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