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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Family & Friends
- Subject: Biography / Autobiography
- Published: 05/19/2021
FORGIVE YOURSELF
Born 1995, F, from Kigali, Rwanda-“How are you doing today?” my therapist asks
-“I’m doing well, how are you?” With a smile on my face, but behind that smile is a girl lost in an adult world. Behind the smile is a desire to smile from my heart and laugh from my belly as I once did and seem to no longer find with ease. Behind the smile is tongue biting and carefully choosing every word. Behind my smile is sadness that aches from the bones and the soul. I look at him, for one second I think to myself; can’t he see that I need a deep hug?
Before the end of our previous session, I told him about my struggle of having a chat with my parents. So today he brings back that conversation.
“When did you start realizing that there was no communication at home?”
In no time I have a lump in my throat. I look up but I can’t see very well because of the tears in my eyes. “Around the age of 13. Although we maintained a veneer of normalcy; we forgot to build our own happiness in what we had at that time. We were always waiting for the right time until there was no right or warranted time to do so.”
I continued, “We’re kind of “this isn’t the right thing to do; the world is watching” and the world is our neighbors, family friends, relatives who are a slightly small number, but we care, it matters a lot to us. Don’t act like that; don’t speak to me like that; who raised you as such? There was no room for mistakes, no chance to be or reveal myself because I was watched upon. I got lost in the illusion of who I had to be but wasn’t yet. You can’t expect someone to succeed, look after their little siblings, and be everything you want them to be under that control. You just can’t; the person is either a perfect liar or a perfect liar and deserves an Award.”
-“But that’s not the most intriguing thing for now”, I said. I haven’t slept well lately, I glance toward my shoes and continue, “It’s been almost 4 years, I have this constant negative thoughts about myself, like nothing is working for me. I’m in unstable relationships back and forth (I haven’t told him yet about my ex boyfriend who chose my classmate over me and he didn’t even want to admit it; like who does that? While for over 3 years I thought both our feelings and interest aligned), toxic job (I relentlessly wished I’d be anywhere else except from there) and now a dysfunctional family, which is inherently involved. I must have done something terrible to God and now He is punishing me.”
-“You mean like a parent?” He asked
-“Yeah, I made Him a promise which I didn’t keep, exactly 4 years ago. I think He’s mad at me.” Audibly scratching my neck. I sound like a baby who needs a parent’s approval; I instantly try to keep myself together more than I really am for him to admire me, for a reason I can’t explain, I failed this time.
-“so you think He hasn’t forgiven you in the past 4 years?” He asked again.
I lower my voice and say, “Yes”, I somehow feel shame but again relieved to finally spit it out.
I see pity in his eyes. About 20 seconds pass; “How old are you?” He asked.
There you go! Are you judging me right now? Life doesn’t get more humiliating than this. I have so much in my mind, however nothing comes out. The thing that intrigues me is the fact that all I want is just doing good and living a significant life; it’s not as if I want to destroy the world or do harm to God’s people. I’m not very present at anything at the moment. That’s because I’m in a gap. Everything I was is no more; some days I can’t control the waves, I can only try and keep my head above water.
-“ 23”, I sighed.
-“So, when do you think the punishment will end?”
-“I don’t know; all I know is that I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to hear the sound of the birds and feel the rain. You know what I mean? I yearn to have a life.”
-“Forgive yourself, you are hurting yourself.” He whispered
I heard those words then I remembered something I read the other day, “Most of the choices we make each day may feel like the products of well-considered decision making, but they’re not. They’re habits,” Charles Duhigg wrote. I noticed that I was torturing myself from something I won’t take back and now it’s destroying my present and my future (all the plans and dreams I had for myself for a very long time, I’m holding them caged).
He knew that that wasn’t enough; I could dive back in my hopelessness (which I thought I was perfectly managing through alcohol and weed. All my sorrow was drowned and my body fell down like a leaf in the air. It worked so little that I had to take it regularly, subsequently I hit rock bottom), so he suggested that I’d benefit from a psychiatrist.
Before being prescribed anti-depressant, I had to meet with a psychiatrist, Dr Robbins; she asked so many questions about my private life, and the whole time I was staring at the door, longing to run away. She then brought up the alcohol and drug addiction subject. I took an alcohol screening test, and was diagnosed with alcohol abuse disorder. What was I expecting anyway, it must have been challenging for my family and few friends who noticed.
-“So I’ll be known as an alcoholic and drug abuser?” I wondered
She went on to reassure me that if I agree to take medications, there’ll be a significant difference.
-“The first step is to acknowledge the existing problem you’re experiencing from alcohol and drugs. Second, accept that you need help; I’ll be with you through the whole process.” She said
I look back now and I go: I wouldn’t wish some of that stuff on anybody, but I wouldn’t change any instinct because I see how all of it, the most difficult moments was important to my spiritual life and probably much more important than the best moments.
Things are always changing, and that’s one of the scariest and most beautiful facts of being alive. So if you’re reading this, know that you are life itself; any problem in your life comes from an idea you believe to be true and a fear based on emotion. You got the power to turn the page, that’s where the magic happens.
FORGIVE YOURSELF(Diane Uwamariya)
-“How are you doing today?” my therapist asks
-“I’m doing well, how are you?” With a smile on my face, but behind that smile is a girl lost in an adult world. Behind the smile is a desire to smile from my heart and laugh from my belly as I once did and seem to no longer find with ease. Behind the smile is tongue biting and carefully choosing every word. Behind my smile is sadness that aches from the bones and the soul. I look at him, for one second I think to myself; can’t he see that I need a deep hug?
Before the end of our previous session, I told him about my struggle of having a chat with my parents. So today he brings back that conversation.
“When did you start realizing that there was no communication at home?”
In no time I have a lump in my throat. I look up but I can’t see very well because of the tears in my eyes. “Around the age of 13. Although we maintained a veneer of normalcy; we forgot to build our own happiness in what we had at that time. We were always waiting for the right time until there was no right or warranted time to do so.”
I continued, “We’re kind of “this isn’t the right thing to do; the world is watching” and the world is our neighbors, family friends, relatives who are a slightly small number, but we care, it matters a lot to us. Don’t act like that; don’t speak to me like that; who raised you as such? There was no room for mistakes, no chance to be or reveal myself because I was watched upon. I got lost in the illusion of who I had to be but wasn’t yet. You can’t expect someone to succeed, look after their little siblings, and be everything you want them to be under that control. You just can’t; the person is either a perfect liar or a perfect liar and deserves an Award.”
-“But that’s not the most intriguing thing for now”, I said. I haven’t slept well lately, I glance toward my shoes and continue, “It’s been almost 4 years, I have this constant negative thoughts about myself, like nothing is working for me. I’m in unstable relationships back and forth (I haven’t told him yet about my ex boyfriend who chose my classmate over me and he didn’t even want to admit it; like who does that? While for over 3 years I thought both our feelings and interest aligned), toxic job (I relentlessly wished I’d be anywhere else except from there) and now a dysfunctional family, which is inherently involved. I must have done something terrible to God and now He is punishing me.”
-“You mean like a parent?” He asked
-“Yeah, I made Him a promise which I didn’t keep, exactly 4 years ago. I think He’s mad at me.” Audibly scratching my neck. I sound like a baby who needs a parent’s approval; I instantly try to keep myself together more than I really am for him to admire me, for a reason I can’t explain, I failed this time.
-“so you think He hasn’t forgiven you in the past 4 years?” He asked again.
I lower my voice and say, “Yes”, I somehow feel shame but again relieved to finally spit it out.
I see pity in his eyes. About 20 seconds pass; “How old are you?” He asked.
There you go! Are you judging me right now? Life doesn’t get more humiliating than this. I have so much in my mind, however nothing comes out. The thing that intrigues me is the fact that all I want is just doing good and living a significant life; it’s not as if I want to destroy the world or do harm to God’s people. I’m not very present at anything at the moment. That’s because I’m in a gap. Everything I was is no more; some days I can’t control the waves, I can only try and keep my head above water.
-“ 23”, I sighed.
-“So, when do you think the punishment will end?”
-“I don’t know; all I know is that I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to hear the sound of the birds and feel the rain. You know what I mean? I yearn to have a life.”
-“Forgive yourself, you are hurting yourself.” He whispered
I heard those words then I remembered something I read the other day, “Most of the choices we make each day may feel like the products of well-considered decision making, but they’re not. They’re habits,” Charles Duhigg wrote. I noticed that I was torturing myself from something I won’t take back and now it’s destroying my present and my future (all the plans and dreams I had for myself for a very long time, I’m holding them caged).
He knew that that wasn’t enough; I could dive back in my hopelessness (which I thought I was perfectly managing through alcohol and weed. All my sorrow was drowned and my body fell down like a leaf in the air. It worked so little that I had to take it regularly, subsequently I hit rock bottom), so he suggested that I’d benefit from a psychiatrist.
Before being prescribed anti-depressant, I had to meet with a psychiatrist, Dr Robbins; she asked so many questions about my private life, and the whole time I was staring at the door, longing to run away. She then brought up the alcohol and drug addiction subject. I took an alcohol screening test, and was diagnosed with alcohol abuse disorder. What was I expecting anyway, it must have been challenging for my family and few friends who noticed.
-“So I’ll be known as an alcoholic and drug abuser?” I wondered
She went on to reassure me that if I agree to take medications, there’ll be a significant difference.
-“The first step is to acknowledge the existing problem you’re experiencing from alcohol and drugs. Second, accept that you need help; I’ll be with you through the whole process.” She said
I look back now and I go: I wouldn’t wish some of that stuff on anybody, but I wouldn’t change any instinct because I see how all of it, the most difficult moments was important to my spiritual life and probably much more important than the best moments.
Things are always changing, and that’s one of the scariest and most beautiful facts of being alive. So if you’re reading this, know that you are life itself; any problem in your life comes from an idea you believe to be true and a fear based on emotion. You got the power to turn the page, that’s where the magic happens.
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Gail Moore
05/20/2021Keep going forward, don't look back and just one little piece of advice. Drugs and alcohol never solve problems they just add to an already broken atmosphere.
Great piece of writing :-)
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