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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Fairy Tales & Fantasy
- Subject: Fantasy / Dreams / Wishes
- Published: 03/31/2020
It's a Dark Lord's Life
Born 1976, M, from Whitechapel, AustraliaGylgrammathon, the World-Crumbler, spat cake from his toothy mouth and fixed a glowing eye on the Castle Cook. His heavy footfalls made the dirt floor shudder and spice bottles fall to their deaths from the surrounding shelves. “What do you call this, you repugnant little turd?”
“I-I’m sorry, My Lord. Does it not please you?”
“No, it does not please me. I asked for something sweet and joyful—like a faun prancing in the spring.” The World Crumbler thrust the remnants of the confection into the cook’s mouth. “Does that taste like what I asked for?”
“Blo ik guzzent.”
“No. No, it doesn’t.”
“Excuse me, Your Evilness Without Equal.”
“You dare address me?”
The cook’s apprentice edged forward brandishing a silver platter. “It’s just that I have something I’ve made for your appraisal, if you would be so kind not to feed me to your undead hordes, Sir.”
Gylgrammathon dipped an obsidian claw into something golden and sticky before cautiously running the goo over his pointed tongue. His eyes erupted like volcanos and his horns twitched. “Praise be to the Dark Mother of Bile and Pus, what is this concoction?”
“I call it a custard tart, Your Eternal Wickedness.”
“There’s wild honey and... Is that a touch of lavender I taste?”
“Yes, it is, Your Dreadfulness. Well spotted!”
“You are my head cook now, String Bean. You must begin preparations for dinner this instant!”
“Thank you, Master. What is your preference?”
Gylgrammathon thrust his razor-sharp fingers into the ex-cook's chest and ripped out a lung. “Start with this.”
Ω
The World Crumbler rapped at the upper bed-chamber's door with a bloody fist before entering. Princess Marigold was draped across the bed like a throw-rug. “You will rise when your Master enters.”
“I hate you.”
“I have but to snap my fingers and my Harpy Wrangler sees that you’re torn to strips.”
The Princess sat upright, wiped her face dry and smoothed out her golden tresses. “Has my father paid yet the ransom?”
“No... But I do have something here that may take your mind off things.”
“A vial of sea-serpent venom?”
“It’s something to keep your strength up. Hopefully, it will stop your whining as well.”
Marigold looked over the dessert. Her eyes became glassy and she swallowed hard. “I wouldn’t eat a thing from your table were I withering with need!”
“You WILL wither! Then perhaps you will join the other dishes on my table!”
The chamber wall exploded in a hail of rock and torn tapestry. Fire lit the night sky and the thunderous hooves of countless horses drummed the earth below. Gylgrammathon looked out across his lands from the gaping hole in his tower and sighed; the King’s armies were aggressively bearing down on his keep. The Princess shook dust from her hair and lifted herself from the rubble. The excited nickering of a single steed became louder and louder until the culprit materialized: a giant winged horse burst onto the scene knocking The World Crumbler onto his back.
“I have come for you, Marigold. Away with me!” A knight in golden armor extended his arm and pulled the Princess atop his mount.
Marigold looked over her shoulder as the winged creature swung its muscled body about. “Die well, you creepy old goat!” The savior and his charge disappeared into the fracas as Gylgrammathon watched open-mouthed.
Ω
The World Crumbler flopped onto his Throne of Bones, oblivious to the shaking walls and the shouts of his Castle Guard. After a time, he called for his new cook and the boy ran to his side with pleasing alacrity. “I am in despair.”
“Despair is only to be expected in time of war, Your Ghastliness.”
“Oh, bugger that—I speak of love, String Bean.”
“Sir?”
“I’ve spent this past fortnight plying the Princess Marigold with treats from my kitchen and not once have I fed her to anything or even tortured her slightly, and yet, she’s been as unyielding as a Stone-Maid of Rockreach.”
“I see, Mr. Evil Lord, Sir.”
“I pine for her with every scale on my impressive back. I long for her gentle touch with every one of my eight hearts. A kind word would have me release my hordes and free my harpies! A caress would see me leave this place for good and take up an honest profession with which to garner her favor! A kiss... A kiss would make me a better thing than I am today.”
“I must confess, World Crumbler... I know little of love.”
“No? Well, you’re lucky you know much of custard tarts. Bring me another and keep them coming. It’s to be a long night.”
It's a Dark Lord's Life(Jason James Parker)
Gylgrammathon, the World-Crumbler, spat cake from his toothy mouth and fixed a glowing eye on the Castle Cook. His heavy footfalls made the dirt floor shudder and spice bottles fall to their deaths from the surrounding shelves. “What do you call this, you repugnant little turd?”
“I-I’m sorry, My Lord. Does it not please you?”
“No, it does not please me. I asked for something sweet and joyful—like a faun prancing in the spring.” The World Crumbler thrust the remnants of the confection into the cook’s mouth. “Does that taste like what I asked for?”
“Blo ik guzzent.”
“No. No, it doesn’t.”
“Excuse me, Your Evilness Without Equal.”
“You dare address me?”
The cook’s apprentice edged forward brandishing a silver platter. “It’s just that I have something I’ve made for your appraisal, if you would be so kind not to feed me to your undead hordes, Sir.”
Gylgrammathon dipped an obsidian claw into something golden and sticky before cautiously running the goo over his pointed tongue. His eyes erupted like volcanos and his horns twitched. “Praise be to the Dark Mother of Bile and Pus, what is this concoction?”
“I call it a custard tart, Your Eternal Wickedness.”
“There’s wild honey and... Is that a touch of lavender I taste?”
“Yes, it is, Your Dreadfulness. Well spotted!”
“You are my head cook now, String Bean. You must begin preparations for dinner this instant!”
“Thank you, Master. What is your preference?”
Gylgrammathon thrust his razor-sharp fingers into the ex-cook's chest and ripped out a lung. “Start with this.”
Ω
The World Crumbler rapped at the upper bed-chamber's door with a bloody fist before entering. Princess Marigold was draped across the bed like a throw-rug. “You will rise when your Master enters.”
“I hate you.”
“I have but to snap my fingers and my Harpy Wrangler sees that you’re torn to strips.”
The Princess sat upright, wiped her face dry and smoothed out her golden tresses. “Has my father paid yet the ransom?”
“No... But I do have something here that may take your mind off things.”
“A vial of sea-serpent venom?”
“It’s something to keep your strength up. Hopefully, it will stop your whining as well.”
Marigold looked over the dessert. Her eyes became glassy and she swallowed hard. “I wouldn’t eat a thing from your table were I withering with need!”
“You WILL wither! Then perhaps you will join the other dishes on my table!”
The chamber wall exploded in a hail of rock and torn tapestry. Fire lit the night sky and the thunderous hooves of countless horses drummed the earth below. Gylgrammathon looked out across his lands from the gaping hole in his tower and sighed; the King’s armies were aggressively bearing down on his keep. The Princess shook dust from her hair and lifted herself from the rubble. The excited nickering of a single steed became louder and louder until the culprit materialized: a giant winged horse burst onto the scene knocking The World Crumbler onto his back.
“I have come for you, Marigold. Away with me!” A knight in golden armor extended his arm and pulled the Princess atop his mount.
Marigold looked over her shoulder as the winged creature swung its muscled body about. “Die well, you creepy old goat!” The savior and his charge disappeared into the fracas as Gylgrammathon watched open-mouthed.
Ω
The World Crumbler flopped onto his Throne of Bones, oblivious to the shaking walls and the shouts of his Castle Guard. After a time, he called for his new cook and the boy ran to his side with pleasing alacrity. “I am in despair.”
“Despair is only to be expected in time of war, Your Ghastliness.”
“Oh, bugger that—I speak of love, String Bean.”
“Sir?”
“I’ve spent this past fortnight plying the Princess Marigold with treats from my kitchen and not once have I fed her to anything or even tortured her slightly, and yet, she’s been as unyielding as a Stone-Maid of Rockreach.”
“I see, Mr. Evil Lord, Sir.”
“I pine for her with every scale on my impressive back. I long for her gentle touch with every one of my eight hearts. A kind word would have me release my hordes and free my harpies! A caress would see me leave this place for good and take up an honest profession with which to garner her favor! A kiss... A kiss would make me a better thing than I am today.”
“I must confess, World Crumbler... I know little of love.”
“No? Well, you’re lucky you know much of custard tarts. Bring me another and keep them coming. It’s to be a long night.”
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- 6
Martha Huett
12/07/2020Tut Tut. Poor Lil ol World Crumbler couldn't get his girl. Jason, that was just a stitch! Har har. Great, engaging writing. Thanks for the laughs :)
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Jason James Parker
12/07/2020Thank you, Martha. Yes--poor chap. Thank the gods for comfort food. Lol. : )
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Jason James Parker
06/22/2020Thanks for reading, Darlington. I like the idea that the horrid creature pictured has a weakness for lavender custard. Lol. : )
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Gail Moore
06/21/2020This is a fabulous story. i have Just re-read it.
The pic is very VERY scary.
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Jason James Parker
06/22/2020Thank you for reading, Gail. That's actually a photo of me when I've just woken up. : )
Help Us Understand What's Happening
JD
04/17/2020Awww... poor lovesick evil lord monster! Pining with all eight of his black hearts! Poor thing!
The pic you chose almost scared me off from even reading your story, because I thought it would be too dark and gruesome for my taste. But I'm glad I did finally read it, because that was some darkly hilarious FUN! Thank you for sharing your witty and wicked sense of humor with us, Jason!
And for whatever reason, when I read your title it got me thinking about the song, from Orphan Annie, I think, "It's a hard knock life", and now I can't get it out of my head. Somehow it seems to fit! :-)
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JD
06/22/2020Hahaha!
Actually, after reading your story, the pic doesn't scare me any more, it just makes me laugh!
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Jason James Parker
06/22/2020Thank you, Jd. The pic looks like me when I've just noticed how many punctuation errors I've made. Lol. : )
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JD
06/21/2020Well... I'm a bit worried about terrifying all those who come to Storystar looking for inspiration and feel good, and then get confronted with your pic.... but Happy Short Story STAR of the Day, anyway, Jason! :-)
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Kevin Hughes
04/10/2020Aloha Jason,
How in the heck did I miss out on the fact that you were StoryStar of the Month?! That is a well deserved honor...and you earned it! Lovely, just lovely.
As for this story, I rolled. Humor is very very difficult to master- and on your first try too! It is wonderfully rollicking fun. I give you five custard tarts.
Smiles, Kevin
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Jason James Parker
04/10/2020Thanks so much, Kevin. It's a high honor indeed. Humor is tricky (I blame a childhood diet of British Comedies. Lol.)
Thank you for your kind words (I'll take any and all donations of custard tarts!)
: )
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Help Us Understand What's Happening
Jason James Parker
04/01/2020Thank you, Gail. I sincerely appreciate your encouraging comments. : )
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Jane Lockyer Willis
04/01/2020Hilarious Jason! Great to see that you are writing humour. It suits you and you are good at it!
And congratulations with Story of the Month!
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Jane Lockyer Willis
04/01/2020Well, it's good to experiment. And with your gift for language and stringing words together your skills are, in my view, ideal for writing humour. Lots of story lines would be at your finger tips, and writing humour lifts the spirits I find. You have been blessed with a vivid imagination and the gift for words. The world's your oyster, Jason.
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Jason James Parker
04/01/2020Thank you, Jane. I wasn't sure about this piece... I guess I'm experimenting
Thank you. : )
COMMENTS (8)