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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Survival / Success
- Subject: Life Experience
- Published: 09/08/2016
My Struggle With Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Born 1966, F, from Hamilton, CanadaMy Struggle With Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
By
Deborah Eker
What is obsessive-compulsive disorder? My own definition is that the sufferer is missing serotonin in his or her brain. Serotonin is a vital component of rational thought. I was diagnosed in my thirties, but I believe that I have had it all my life. I have always had difficulty thinking logically.
I do not remember as much as I would like to about my childhood. Mostly I have had to be told. I was a slow eater, a slow reader, a slow writer. My thoughts were distorted. I used to spread out building blocks on the floor in my bedroom and they had to be perfectly straight. I also kept file folders and copious lists of people and things.
My parents fought constantly. My mother was always complaining that when I was born, a year after their marriage, she wasn’t ready to be a mother. My younger brother came along four years after me. Mother was always complaining that she had to stay home all day with two unappreciative brats. We did not have much disposable income because my father’s salary as a credit manager was very low. I always thought that we were desperately poor, which shows how distorted my thoughts were. We always had a house and our own car. My parents just didn’t buy me a lot of toys. What presents I did receive came for my birthday or good report cards.
I also took statements literally, even if they were made in anger and forgotten. My mother always insisted that she and Dad were in love when they got married, but I always thought she got married because society expected women to get married. When they fought, she and Dad went at each other tooth and nail. She used to hit him with a stick. Her anger at the least little thing made me afraid of her. I used to hide in my room and pray that they would not fight. Mother used to explain that while she was happily married, she loved a good fight and my father also loved a good fight. They were probably just kidding, but I took them literally. Mostly they fought over us children. All that children ever do is to ask, ask, ask for her to do things and give nothing in return. She was always threatening to leave her marriage and leave us alone to fend for ourselves. I believe that the guilt trips she placed on me may have triggered the obsessive compulsive disorder.
It was when I started school that my obsessive compulsive disorder symptoms first manifested themselves to a worrisome degree. I read and wrote very slowly to the point where I could not complete classroom tests. I was unable to properly organize my desk at school or my homework. My lack of organizational skills persisted into my high school and university years, with disastrous results. I giggled in inappropriate situations and I could not sit still in class. I was unable to focus on what I had to do in school and was always asking classmates and teachers to help me.
I think the most disastrous result of the obsessive compulsive disorder was the inability to choose a proper career. I studied piano for five years, but I gave it up because practicing took up all my spare time. I loved to write, but I didn’t know what to write. I was interested in fine arts but I had no portfolio. I studied political science as an undergraduate but I didn’t know what to do with it. I did not take English or history because I was afraid that the only career avenue available for them was teaching and I could not face being in front of a class. Since I couldn’t write books I decided to become a journalist. I incorrectly thought that journalism is only news reporting and not writing. I did both reporting and writing for the York University newspaper Excalibur and to my surprise was able to do both.
After I received my undergraduate degree in political science I could have gone on to graduate studies in political science but did not because I did not think it was for me. I worked for a short time as a reporter for a newspaper in a small town in Northern Ontario. I did reporting, writing, and taking photographs. I could not, however, cope with the small town atmosphere and isolation of the community.
I then trained as a secretary with Shaw College which was a colossal mistake. I went from one job disaster to another. I was too slow for office work. A normal person would have realized that after one job, but my thinking was distorted and so I was fired from eight jobs.
My inappropriate behaviour did not only consist of giggling and inaptitude at complicated tasks, but also of constant verbal repetition and making inappropriate statements. But I think that the most important side effect of obsessive compulsive disorder is the inability to live in your own body and focus on yourself long enough to find yourself.
When I first sought psychiatric therapy I could not find a psychiatrist, so I was forced instead to see a social worker. I actually saw two social workers. The first one simply told me to stop my inappropriate behaviours and I would be fine. But I was unable to change, so social worker number one switched me to a different social worker to find out why I was unable to change. Both social workers properly labelled my problems but were unable to make a diagnosis, probably because there were not doctors and mostly because obsessive compulsive disorder was not that well known in the late 1980’s as it is now.
Eventually a new family doctor was able to send me to a psychiatrist to whom he frequently referred his patients. This psychiatrist said that I seemed to be able to not get on with other people because I was afraid of other people. He said that I needed to be in group therapy. I also needed to learn to see myself in a different light because I saw myself as a bad person. He referred me to Dr. Henry Fenigstein of the North York Psychotherapy Clinic.
Dr. Fenigstein accepted me for group therapy. It was in his groups that I finally found out about obsessive compulsive disorder. I was told that despite my drawbacks I was a very intelligent person with enormous intellectual prowess and that I was not suited for office work. They suggested that I return to university to complete my fourth year of political science and that I go on to graduate school. But my studying abilities, while very stimulating, was frustrating, because I was still very slow at reading and writing. I realized from watching other people in the group, some with university degrees who also exhibited similar behaviours to myself such as inability to hold down a job, feeling like a mess, giggling, inappropriate statements, keeping lists, repetition, etc., that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.
Dr. Fenigstein diagnosed me with obsessive compulsive disorder and started me on Clomipramine, the medical name for Anafranil. Dr. Fenigstein told me that taking the Clomipramine alone would not cure me. I needed to work through the group in order to get better. I took my medication and worked through the group and my behaviour improved. Dr. Fenigstein also provided me with books on psychology to read which also helped me. But I was still unable to find myself. I still copied as I had done all my life what other people were doing. When you know yourself, you live in your own body and you follow your own dream. Although what other people do is of interest to you, you largely ignore them and go after what you want.
I did not know what to do with my life but because I love to read, I decided to finish my fourth year of political science. After that I decided to study for a Master’s degree in Library Science. I returned to my love of history and studied rare books, history of books and printing, and history of libraries. I took courses as well in cataloguing and archives. I became at the University of Toronto a Friend of the Thomas Fisher Rare Books Library and went to their monthly lectures on rare books, printers, and publishers. It was expected that you would take a part-time job in a library while studying. But I was too slow at completing my assignments so I was unable to work part-time. Even though, I now have a Master’s degree in Library Science, I have never been able to get a permanent paid job in a library. I was on the Toronto Reference Library Board for a year and had a volunteer job in a school library and North York Central Library but these did not seem to help.
Dr. Fenigstein died when I graduated from Library Science. From an obsessive compulsive disorder support group that I had started going to, I learned about Dr. Frank Cashman, one of the few psychiatrists in Canada who specialized in obsessive compulsive disorder. My family doctor gave me a referral to Dr. Cashman. He increased my medication to the dosage that I take now and added Lorazepam which enables the brain to process the Clomipramine and which helps me sleep.
Finally I was able to take care of myself and do basic tasks. I was able to speed up doing what I had to do. I stopped my inappropriate behaviour, although I am still guilty of repetition. I married and moved to Hamilton. I have still been unable to get a job in a library. I took courses from the Canadian Securities Institute in Toronto and got a designation as a Financial Planner. I have, not, however been able to get a job in a bank and many of the private investment dealers are nothing more than commission sales jobs which I am not interested in. I was on the Hamilton Historical Board for four years which was an interesting experience and allowed me to begin writing again with articles for their magazine HistoriCity.
I still am in a constant struggle to keep my obsessive compulsive disorder under control. It is something that never leaves you and you have to be vigilant. But overall, I feel that I am succeeding.
My Struggle With Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(Deborah Eker)
My Struggle With Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
By
Deborah Eker
What is obsessive-compulsive disorder? My own definition is that the sufferer is missing serotonin in his or her brain. Serotonin is a vital component of rational thought. I was diagnosed in my thirties, but I believe that I have had it all my life. I have always had difficulty thinking logically.
I do not remember as much as I would like to about my childhood. Mostly I have had to be told. I was a slow eater, a slow reader, a slow writer. My thoughts were distorted. I used to spread out building blocks on the floor in my bedroom and they had to be perfectly straight. I also kept file folders and copious lists of people and things.
My parents fought constantly. My mother was always complaining that when I was born, a year after their marriage, she wasn’t ready to be a mother. My younger brother came along four years after me. Mother was always complaining that she had to stay home all day with two unappreciative brats. We did not have much disposable income because my father’s salary as a credit manager was very low. I always thought that we were desperately poor, which shows how distorted my thoughts were. We always had a house and our own car. My parents just didn’t buy me a lot of toys. What presents I did receive came for my birthday or good report cards.
I also took statements literally, even if they were made in anger and forgotten. My mother always insisted that she and Dad were in love when they got married, but I always thought she got married because society expected women to get married. When they fought, she and Dad went at each other tooth and nail. She used to hit him with a stick. Her anger at the least little thing made me afraid of her. I used to hide in my room and pray that they would not fight. Mother used to explain that while she was happily married, she loved a good fight and my father also loved a good fight. They were probably just kidding, but I took them literally. Mostly they fought over us children. All that children ever do is to ask, ask, ask for her to do things and give nothing in return. She was always threatening to leave her marriage and leave us alone to fend for ourselves. I believe that the guilt trips she placed on me may have triggered the obsessive compulsive disorder.
It was when I started school that my obsessive compulsive disorder symptoms first manifested themselves to a worrisome degree. I read and wrote very slowly to the point where I could not complete classroom tests. I was unable to properly organize my desk at school or my homework. My lack of organizational skills persisted into my high school and university years, with disastrous results. I giggled in inappropriate situations and I could not sit still in class. I was unable to focus on what I had to do in school and was always asking classmates and teachers to help me.
I think the most disastrous result of the obsessive compulsive disorder was the inability to choose a proper career. I studied piano for five years, but I gave it up because practicing took up all my spare time. I loved to write, but I didn’t know what to write. I was interested in fine arts but I had no portfolio. I studied political science as an undergraduate but I didn’t know what to do with it. I did not take English or history because I was afraid that the only career avenue available for them was teaching and I could not face being in front of a class. Since I couldn’t write books I decided to become a journalist. I incorrectly thought that journalism is only news reporting and not writing. I did both reporting and writing for the York University newspaper Excalibur and to my surprise was able to do both.
After I received my undergraduate degree in political science I could have gone on to graduate studies in political science but did not because I did not think it was for me. I worked for a short time as a reporter for a newspaper in a small town in Northern Ontario. I did reporting, writing, and taking photographs. I could not, however, cope with the small town atmosphere and isolation of the community.
I then trained as a secretary with Shaw College which was a colossal mistake. I went from one job disaster to another. I was too slow for office work. A normal person would have realized that after one job, but my thinking was distorted and so I was fired from eight jobs.
My inappropriate behaviour did not only consist of giggling and inaptitude at complicated tasks, but also of constant verbal repetition and making inappropriate statements. But I think that the most important side effect of obsessive compulsive disorder is the inability to live in your own body and focus on yourself long enough to find yourself.
When I first sought psychiatric therapy I could not find a psychiatrist, so I was forced instead to see a social worker. I actually saw two social workers. The first one simply told me to stop my inappropriate behaviours and I would be fine. But I was unable to change, so social worker number one switched me to a different social worker to find out why I was unable to change. Both social workers properly labelled my problems but were unable to make a diagnosis, probably because there were not doctors and mostly because obsessive compulsive disorder was not that well known in the late 1980’s as it is now.
Eventually a new family doctor was able to send me to a psychiatrist to whom he frequently referred his patients. This psychiatrist said that I seemed to be able to not get on with other people because I was afraid of other people. He said that I needed to be in group therapy. I also needed to learn to see myself in a different light because I saw myself as a bad person. He referred me to Dr. Henry Fenigstein of the North York Psychotherapy Clinic.
Dr. Fenigstein accepted me for group therapy. It was in his groups that I finally found out about obsessive compulsive disorder. I was told that despite my drawbacks I was a very intelligent person with enormous intellectual prowess and that I was not suited for office work. They suggested that I return to university to complete my fourth year of political science and that I go on to graduate school. But my studying abilities, while very stimulating, was frustrating, because I was still very slow at reading and writing. I realized from watching other people in the group, some with university degrees who also exhibited similar behaviours to myself such as inability to hold down a job, feeling like a mess, giggling, inappropriate statements, keeping lists, repetition, etc., that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.
Dr. Fenigstein diagnosed me with obsessive compulsive disorder and started me on Clomipramine, the medical name for Anafranil. Dr. Fenigstein told me that taking the Clomipramine alone would not cure me. I needed to work through the group in order to get better. I took my medication and worked through the group and my behaviour improved. Dr. Fenigstein also provided me with books on psychology to read which also helped me. But I was still unable to find myself. I still copied as I had done all my life what other people were doing. When you know yourself, you live in your own body and you follow your own dream. Although what other people do is of interest to you, you largely ignore them and go after what you want.
I did not know what to do with my life but because I love to read, I decided to finish my fourth year of political science. After that I decided to study for a Master’s degree in Library Science. I returned to my love of history and studied rare books, history of books and printing, and history of libraries. I took courses as well in cataloguing and archives. I became at the University of Toronto a Friend of the Thomas Fisher Rare Books Library and went to their monthly lectures on rare books, printers, and publishers. It was expected that you would take a part-time job in a library while studying. But I was too slow at completing my assignments so I was unable to work part-time. Even though, I now have a Master’s degree in Library Science, I have never been able to get a permanent paid job in a library. I was on the Toronto Reference Library Board for a year and had a volunteer job in a school library and North York Central Library but these did not seem to help.
Dr. Fenigstein died when I graduated from Library Science. From an obsessive compulsive disorder support group that I had started going to, I learned about Dr. Frank Cashman, one of the few psychiatrists in Canada who specialized in obsessive compulsive disorder. My family doctor gave me a referral to Dr. Cashman. He increased my medication to the dosage that I take now and added Lorazepam which enables the brain to process the Clomipramine and which helps me sleep.
Finally I was able to take care of myself and do basic tasks. I was able to speed up doing what I had to do. I stopped my inappropriate behaviour, although I am still guilty of repetition. I married and moved to Hamilton. I have still been unable to get a job in a library. I took courses from the Canadian Securities Institute in Toronto and got a designation as a Financial Planner. I have, not, however been able to get a job in a bank and many of the private investment dealers are nothing more than commission sales jobs which I am not interested in. I was on the Hamilton Historical Board for four years which was an interesting experience and allowed me to begin writing again with articles for their magazine HistoriCity.
I still am in a constant struggle to keep my obsessive compulsive disorder under control. It is something that never leaves you and you have to be vigilant. But overall, I feel that I am succeeding.
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